Um. Yeah.

Thanks to KGiggity, who doesn't read us but we're OK with that, for what we think is the funniest goshdarn video on that there internets that we ever did seen.

In other news, we saw Miranda Lambert, Jason Aldean and Dierks Bentley last night in Allentown. Our favorite part, besides when Miranda so winked at us from 500 feet away, was when we approached the Hot Dog stand and forgot, temporarily, where we were.

"Ooooooooooh! They got them them there CORN DOGS there!" we maybe shouted in our worst Billy Bob baritone.

"We do!" said the hot dog chick, happy someone else was as happy as she was about the corn dog stand. "They're over there!"

Since when did we become the sounding board for the hack joke deli guy to pretend it's 1986?

Hack joke deli guy: Say. Ya ever watch Jeopardy?
OMS: (Just make our f*cking wrap) No.
HJDG: Well. I'll give you the answer and you give me the question.
OMS: (We said *extra* tomatoes beeyatch). OK.
HJDG: The answer is "liquor box."
OMS: Um. No clue.
HJDG: What I'd like to do Vanna White?

We told you he was the no nooo noooo guy

What.

In case y'all were wonderin'

Kelly is now a straight-up coke whore and Colin is all what's up bitch.

Have a wonderful weekend, one and all. We're off for good times...

But the principal still got canned

So Joey is all this is ridiculous and the superintendent is all reinstate the rich white kid who vandalized Ms. Potter's unity painting, principal, or you're fired and Capeside is all YAY RICH WHITE PEOPLE and Joey is all this sucks I'm calling my college boyfriend and Pacey is all ow my heart and Mrs. Leary is all I need to do a balanced TV piece on this because the state of journalism in America is too opinionated with too much make-up.

And Joey is all let's rally but I don't know if I'm a leader and college boyfriend, Pacey, Dawson, Joey's sister, Jack, Jenn, the meter maid, the homeless bum and the lifeguard are all oh my God Joey you're the best leader ever and Joey's all hey you're right I am the best ever and the superintendent is all Ms. Potter is that all you got and Joey is all eat it and the principal is all I don't need to talk because my actions speak for themselves.

And then Joey is all time for the rally and the kids are all yay rally and Pacey is all I'm in love with Joey, Jenn, but she doesn't know that she'll end up marrying me in the finale and Dawson is all I'm the quiet hero because my mom said so and the principal is all my smoking hot daughter said I should come here and thank you, so thank you, Capeside High, for supporting me and the superintendent is all gets-a-steppin' you're fired and Pacey is all I rented a wall for you Joey so you can paint it and stop with the unity murals that started this whole mess in the first place.

Three things that cracked us the f*ck up recently

Best nicest joke bomb response ever, at our off-probation watering hole earlier tonight: "Well, it's only my first beer so maybe it'll be funnier after a few more."
***
Meanwhile, back at the Subway:

Guy in suit: "(Pause) Do you think JonBenet's killer did it?"
Other guy in suit: "(Pause) No."
Guy in suit: "(Silence)."
Other guy in suit: "(Nothin')."
***
Overheard on the way to our off-probation watering hole earlier tonight: "No, Jaime, I'm not trying to start sh*t with you. Will you just f*cking listen to me? I'm not trying to start sh*t with you."

And END SCENES.

And that's what's called foreshadowing

So Kelly is all I'm off the coke yay and Colin's a d*ck and my dad is flying in today and Claire is all Kelly where'd you get that coke and Kelly is all, huh, I must have had it in my purse before I cleaned up and Donna is all my boobs don't move and Steve and Claire are all we need to get Nat to come to this B-movie festival and Brandon is all dating Anya, who's clearly on the wrong show and not yet a lesbian wiccan.

And Kelly is all look at my half-shirt and Donna is all oooh I have one too and my boobs don't move in this one either and Kelly's dad is all, huh, 37 more minutes and I'm out and Steve is all Nat, please come to my dumb event and Val is all Colin you don't get to call out sick even if you're coked out of your mind and even though I'm a basketcase slut from Buffalo, I have a business to run so shape up or ship out and Kelly is all, hey, anyone seen my dad?

And then Donna with the Joe what's the news and Joe is all Donna your doctor dad is wrong and the university doctor says I don't have a heart condition that will kill me and Kelly is all where's my dad's plane and the airport guy is all yo he left you in a hole.

And Kelly with the tears and the speeding home still crying and the flowers from dad which of course have a check. And the check is all Kelly roll me up one and let's do this thing and Kelly is all word line it up and then Kelly with the kind of hot coke problem. Again.

Oh our goodness Pacey cracked the case

So Joey was all here's my portrait everyone and I'm shy about it but I'm putting myself out there and, well, here it is and everyone was all HOLY SH*T someone vandalized it and Dawson and Pacey were all we have to crack the case and Pacey was all I'll do it first because I love her man but I won't say it outloud and the guy who did it was all, what, bitches, you can't prove it and Pacey was all APOLOGIZE to her because I care and the guy was all OR WHAT and Pacey was all OR ELSE, BITCH and the guy was all OK but here's a sucker punch for your trouble and Pacey was all OH IT'S ON and the guy was all OW and the principal was all stand up and get yourselves in my office NOW.

And Dawson joined Pacey and the guy who did it in the principal's office and were all we have one more question before we call Airman O'Malley and Airman Rodriguez: if you gave an order that Santiago wasn't to be touched, and your orders are always followed, then why would Santiago be in danger? Why would it be necessary to transfer him off the base?

Meanwhile Andy was all I cheated on the PSATs and I can't handle the pressure of keeping it secret anymore and the principal was all again with the drama and Joey was all I know how to use the word existential.

Point of order, your honor

Um. We should probably go on record with this. We really don't get Dane Cook. And we don't think he's funny.

We're not saying this to be mean or hurt Dane's feelings. All we're saying is we saw him on the Tourgasm a few times and, well, we didn't get it. And we saw him on the Teen Choice Awards, and we really didn't get it.

He's a good-lookin' fella, though. We'll give him that.

And now back to things we wrote Europe journal that we just found and man, we were 24 and just a baby who wrote about food too much, part deux.

... The drive to Blarney took about an hour-and-a-half. When we pulled up to the castle, it was raining. (AGGGHHH!)

We grabbed our panchos and hurried up to the castle. It's about five stories high with narrow steps (to ward off attackers, I read).

While sitting in a window of the Lord's bedroom, a bird shat on the top of my head.

And now back to our all-time very video of all time

Turn the volume down before you hit play. This is long and boring at times, but it's worth it at, say, the two-minute, 40-second mark.

And who the f*ck is Yellowcard? Ew. Dork.

Well. In that case, you're free to go. You didn't mean to do it. Thanks, Mr. Karr and best of luck to ya in all your future endeavors!

From philly.com's story this morning:
Karr confessed to the killing after his arrest Wednesday at his downtown Bangkok apartment by Thai and American authorities, said Lt. Gen. Suwat Tumrongsiskul, head of Thailand's immigration police.

He said Karr insisted his crime was not first-degree murder but that she died during a kidnapping attempt that went awry.

"He said it was second-degree murder. He said it was unintentional. He said he was in love with the child, she was a pageant queen," Suwat said.

More here. And here.

Oh the places Karr will go now. If found guilty. But wait. He said he did it? Oof. He's f*cked. Yes. Literally.

Ours would have things like Sunrise Adams, WWE, Dawson quotes and Kelly Clarkson chords

Thanks to Double J for this.

And now back to things we wrote Europe journal that we just found and man, we were 24 and just a baby who wrote about food too much.

... Then we arrived at the train station, and it was the first sense of overwhelmingness that I've felt since our journey began.

I had to get our tickets.

"Bon jour, misseur," I said to the man in the window.

"Bon jour," he said.

"Deux, uh, tickets to Paree," I said, quickly losing confidence.

"...," he said.

"Parlais vous Anglais?" I said.

"NON," he replied.

Shit. I showed him our Europasses, and he said they'd be OK as tickets. I asked him again if he spoke English and felt like a complete nimrod.

Who, now?

"Jeff Foxworthy," we overheard her say. "You know. He's the one that does the south stuff. You might be a redneck if... that's Jeff Foxworthy."

Remembering the great failed mustache experiment of August 2006

No one liked it. No one. Neither did we. Just saying.

Love on the rocks

"Neil Diamond?" we asked from our side of the porch, entrenched in journals and wrapped around our guitar.

"Yes. You know Neil Diamond?" said our very nice neighbor, in fantastically broken English. "You know feeling you get each day? This Neil Diamond. He make that feeling much better. He bring this, this good feeling to me."

We have a confession to make

Maybe it was Steve Sanders' shiney shirt on the 90210 this morning (we're obsessed -- we know), but it reminded us of something we're a little bit maybe embarassed to admit.

Back in the oldern days of 2000, we may have bought one of those Regis shirts -- you know, one of those shiney blue ones that screamed, "Is that your final answer?" And yes. It came with a tie.

We thought we looked smashing. But in hindsight, well, you know the drill.

Our hair was fabulous, though. It was the last time we had long, flowing locks. Oh how we miss them.

Wait. What? Fabulous hair? Uh-oh. It's happening again. It's like texting "K" to our friend Ryan the other night and being accused of not having man junk.

What we meant to say was we had a good-lookin' broad on our arm and we were all about drinking beer and doing Jagermeister shots and re-living the ol' frat days by picking on the meek. In a shiney Regis shirt. But whatever.

There. Much better.

But we know who Caldwell Jones is...

Manager for the "MANAGER OF COMMUNITY RELATIONS - Philadelphia 76ers (Philadelphia, PA)" Position
We want to thank you for your interest in the above mentioned position. We had many fine applicants for the position, including you. However, we have filled the position with someone whose background and credentials we feel best meet our needs at this time. We welcome you to apply for any future positions we have available that match your skills and experience.

Sincerely,
Comcast-Spectacor

Click here if you are still interested in pursuing other jobs with this organization.

Click here if you are looking for similar positions on this job board.

For further career tips, visit our Career Help page.

To the guy at the deli

We're standing in line, and two employees from a certain minor league team walk in to make salads.

"How's the season going?" asks counter girl.

"Good! We're in first place now and we're rolling," says eager golf shirt minor league guy.

"You know what they say," says creepy guy waiting for his kielbasa. "At the start of the season, everyone's in first place!"

(Silence).

Um. Nevermind that it's *August*, kielbasa guy, and the season's almost over. But we understand. Comedy shouldn't come down to actually, you know, making sense. Anything for a punchline, we say. Even if it means further ostracizing counter girl from you, and making minor league guy annoyed. Don't annoy minor league guy.

He has a frisbee dog night to plan or some sh*t.

HAH! See? Comedy!

At least it wasn't on a ribbon

So we eased (sped? Who speeds?) past an SUV last night on our way home. And there it was, as big and shiny as the SUV it was so neatly placed on: a big ol' sticker that said, simply: ASSMAN.

We looked, incredulously, at the driver.

Sir, an assman you are not.

Why we *really* despise the Girls Gone Wild Guy

Seriously. Like he's now on our Top 5 list of people we wish we could punch in the face. Top 3, even.

Meanwhile, back at the Cosi

"Enjoy A Tossed Salad!" reads the poster on the wall.

Passing inspection

We'll spare you the background about the car, and how it continues to squeal at us when the radio is on, and how the "Check Engine Light" was on for *months* and no one knew why (although Vinnie at the shop said, "Hey, trust me, I can fix this thing in no time" and then Vinnie from the shop and his brother Joey kept it for three different days and didn't fix the problem, no sir).

We'll spare you the stories about two of the last three times we've been pulled over, once for allegedly speeding (we told you this one, already -- pay attention, ya'll) and once for sitting in traffic in front of a foot cop.

We'll spare you the stories about how everytime we'd walk up to our car, the inspection sticker that screamed "REJECTED" didn't really help our self esteem.

But we went to the ol' inspection station the other day because, too much money later, our car was ready to enter the world of the worthy.

So we handed over the proper paperwork, and we went on a day where, shockingly, no one was in line. We made friends with the nice older woman in the waiting area who said she let her sticker lapse recently and the cop chastized her for being unlawful.

The nice inspection man finished our car and nodded at us. We walked out to our baby and the nice inspection man said, simply, "Yo, you failed."

What, now?

"Your third break light is out."

So we'll spare you the story about the driving down the street to Midas for a five dollar break light installation, and the driving back to the inspection station eight minutes later to not wait in line again to tell the nice folks that we have three lights again.

And we passed.

See? No need for anger or temper tantrums or whoa is us car stories. We passed. We're rejected no more. And, well, we don't have anything to b*tch about in this instance, and we're not sure how we feel about this.

Our throat kind of still hurts, though, so we guess there's that.

ADDENDUM!

Wow. And we were only half-way through.

So Brandon is all I'm not Batman, I'm just the class president and Valerie is all OOPS I dropped my joint on the table and Dylan is all MUST...SMOKE...JOINT and the wind is all not now bitch, I'll blow your sh*t to the floor and Dylan is all uh-oh, better go get my sponsor and give this marijuana goodness back to Val. And Valerie is all Ray you're fired and Ray is all HOLD ON during his last gig and Donna is all you love me, Ray, and that's all that matters. And Ray is all thank God I don't have to tell you about the time I f*cked Valerie and Nat is all I got my hammer back, but Val, do you think it's a good idea to fire Ray and Valerie is all Nat, just cook the food and Donna is all could my sundress be any shorter and Ray is all I got some gigs up north and I have to leave tonight and credits are all we're rolling, bitches.

And we didn't even get into Lenny the rapist. Hey! It's on again! Gotta go!

Who gets sick in August and ends up watching 90210 on his *day off*?

So the gang is all WELCOME BACK KELLY and Brandon is all I'm the president and Dylan is all I'm sober, for a few episodes anyway, and Donna is all in love with Ray Pruit and Ray Pruit is all HOLD ON and David and Claire for some reason aren't having a lot of sex and Steve is mad because Valerie bought the Peach Pit After Dark from his father and Valerie is all I have pot, Dylan, come f*ck me and Dylan is all I'm in love with Kelly, no, so Valerie is all whatever, I'll tell Ray Pruit he can't perform at the Peach Pit After Dark anymore unless he f*cks me, and heavens no, she would never tell Donna about the deal and Andrea is all OK Jesse I love you but I'm having the fastest sex ever with a doctor in the hospital closet and oh doctor what are you doing at my house? Hanna is asleep in the next room and what if Jesse's mother comes over.

And poor Nat just wants his hammer back from Valerie.

Oh that Pacey

"I think you underestimate the healing powers of time, Dawson."

We *deserved* a beer

(Rhymes with Publin Dub) used to be our favorite bar.

See, we were parched last night. Parched, we say. Playing softball during the hottest heat wave ever (seriously, last night was the highest low on record in these here parts) and then commuting home will do that to a fella.

So we went to bar one, which is not our favorite bar but has nice suburban scenery. Too crowded with too many young folks squealing over Fall Out Boy jukebox songs. So on to bar two – the joint that used to be our favorite bar.

"Can (we) get a half-and-half and the Dublin Chicken?" we asked, parched, like we said.

"Um. Do you have another shirt?" the bartender said.

"Huh?"

"Sorry. We have a dress code."

So on the hottest day ever, in the middle of a heat wave, our former favorite bar turned us away because we brought our tickets to the gun show in a sleeveless shirt that we never changed out of, post-game.

We took our money and good looks elsewhere, thank you very much. And we’ve banned our former favorite bar for at least a week.

Bastards.

But wait. Isn't there like a war and a heatwave and another war and disaster around the bend?

And this is still one of the lead stories?

You give us a page hit, we'll opine the obvious.

You go on, .38 Special

So MTV turned 25 today. We know this because we watched the "Hold on Loosely" video on VH1 Classics last week as part of the network's first hour of MTV coverage.

Oh my how times have changed.

We won't bore you with a huge Top 25 list or anything. No fear, we narrowed it down several "we remember" moments that will surely bore you to tears and make us nostalgically happy.

We remember the fight between Julie and Kevin in Real World I -- you know, the only real real one. Kevin was all BLACK POWER and Julie was all I'M CUTE AND INNOCENT AND FROM ALABAMA AND GOD ERIC IS HOT AND I'M NOT RACIST I'M JUST A LITTLE BIT SCARED OF YOU and then they made up.

It was, in a word, real.

Sure, we have other memories, like Tammy in Season 2 yelling, "It wasn't not funny!" when David stripped her blanket off her. Anything Puck and Pedro ("Pedro does not live in this house as long as Puck is around") is good sh*t, too. But the first Real World, long before the Veronicas and the Irenes and the Coras and the Walla Wallas, made us happy.

We remember recording the TLC Creep video because we were sure we saw T-Boz T-aht and we wanted to see that hip hop goodness over and over again.

We remember falling off our couch when Britney stripped to "I Can't Get No Satisfaction." We kind of remember recording that, too.

We remember staring at the screen hoping to see breasts during "Welcome to the Jungle," and we remember wondering what the big deal was when Madonna came with "Like a Prayer."

We do remember the first time we saw "Hit Me Baby (One More Time)" and we especially remember the Spice Girls (for the record, "Say You'll Be There" was *so* much better than "Wannabe").

So there you have it. To recap: breasts, some music, and a small lesson about racism. Yup. That just about sums it up.

How to be a God-awful suck-up in 12 easy steps

Step 1: See boss from 300 feet away.
Step 2: Slow down when you reach the building, because speeding up may make it look like you're avoiding him/her because of the alleged flare-up from a month ago that hopefully is over because, let's face it, you gots to pay your bills.
Step 3: Hold door open for woman who is not your boss. Chivalry and what not.
Step 4: Procrastinate and linger.
Step 5: OH! There he/she is! Open inside door and hold with foot. Lean back and hold outside door open with arm.
Step 6: Say "Good morning" while balancing between doors.
Step 7: Make small talk.
Step 8: Don't avoid eye contact.
Step 9: Wish him/her a nice day.
Step 10: Race up the stairs because not racing up the stairs means his/her elevator trip will land him/her right in front of you when you walk out of the stairwell and hilarity ensues all over again.
Step 11: Try to regain your breath before you have to say good morning to five people on the way to your cube.
Step 12: Sit in cube. Check email. Look busy.

There. All better.

You give us a page hit, we give you day-old news.