"Do you like beavers in America?"

Why, yes. Yes we do.

So we're back. When we figure out what f*cking day it is, we'll bring the funny. In the meantime, thanks to MK for holding down the fort and a little bit maybe making fun of us. A little bit. Maybe.

But oh do we have stories. About rolls for Bon Jovi and a 1970s cover band ("Diese nexta songe ist BAT MOON A-RISING JA!") and a plane pretending its touchdown dance should equal King Kong Bundy splashing Hulk Hogan.

And to the guy from Oregon at the airport bar who talked incessantly about consolidation in the workplace and how it's strangled production in key areas of marketability: we don't think the guy from Birming'm just drinking his tea tallyho really gave a pig's pence about your corporate conundrums.

But you were a nice fella who saw U2 in San Francisco for the Under a Blood Red Sky tour, so ya got that goin' for ya.

***
Currently listening to: The Band's Atlantic City cover, which never gets old. Ever.

We've been practicing

Fahrt diese Zug zum Hauptbahnhof?

Ja? Danke.

In other words, we're off to do stuff for eight days a week.

God speed, all ya'll fives of readers. God speed.

She gave her a what, now, to whom?

Sandy Cohen wrote this? Oh the hilarity. And oh the conflict of interest. We mean, you're the coolest dad ever and a lawyer don't you have your hands full with your stoner son and you have time to write a mistake-ridden wrap-up?

Seth got accepted to Brown? We thought it was the RISPEEEEE. And what about Donna Martin? Did she graduate or what?

The class of 2006, which includes Marissa, Ryan, Seth and Summer, graduated from Harbor High School. Seth and Summer were accepted by the same college. Ryan was reunited with his mother, who gave him a Land Cruiser as a graduation gift. Marissa's mom gave her a pearl necklace, while her dad gave her an opportunity to work with him on a yacht set to sail around the Greek islands.

To the So I guy

So I...

So I...

So I...

So I...

So I...

So I...

We counted. Six "So Is" in the course of a 20-minute conversation with your date. We could feel her pain, even if she was too busy downing her third Manhattan to feel anything, let alone empty solidarity.

You were like clockwork. Lull in the conversation? So I... Finishing the punchline? So I... Time for *another* drink? So I...

Nice work, So I Guy.

So a guy walks into the doctor's office...

Short dad: OK. We need you to come in here.

Kid with unusually big head and Gameboy: No. I don't wanna.

SD: Come on. We need you in this room now. Let's go.

KWUBHAG: I told you I don't wanna.

SD: Please? It'll make your mommy happy. And you can bring your Gameboy.

KWUBHAG: OK.

And END SCENE.

To the poor Saturn in the Wawa parking lot

So, so sorry the guy who drives you hurts your shocks like that. Oof. And how do you drive on the road all pimped to the side like that? We thought for sure you'd tip when the guy who drives you got in and finished his pretzel before driving off, side-wheelies a-poppin'.

10 fingers ups

From this. Yes, another Grey's reference.

We're happy that comments we get here, sometimes and few and far between (ahem), actually, um, have a point. You judge for yourselves, though, who's smarter. Ya'll or, well...

What did you do to Izzie???!!! That was not the Izzie that we have come to know and love. That was not the Izzie that worked her way from a trailer park to med school and had the chutzpah to strip in front of Alex to make a point. Yes, I could picture Izzie doing something desparate, I mean, she transfused a dead guy in season 1, but for her to go postal? That was too far a stretch, and I'm really disappointed in her overly dramatic story line. I was actually embarrassed for her!

On the Izzy/Denny front, Finn is the first person on the show who comes from outside the hospital, and because the show's focus is the hospital, he makes very few appearances each episode. This is the only reason I can think of for your killing Denny. It would be too hard to make him a regular part of the show. However, wouldn't it have been nice for the good guys to win...just this once. If you won't let Izzy and Denny win, Finn and Meredith had better.
Posted by: Colleen | May 16, 2006 at 08:32 AM

why has Shonda yet to comment on last night?!!?!? i'm totally loosing it!! oh, and did your wife stop talkign to you because of denny....
Posted by: Meredith | May 16, 2006 at 08:27 AM

who did mer. choose and will it last?
Posted by: brittney | May 16, 2006 at 08:09 AM

why did you guys have to kill denny? seriously. why?!!!!??!
Posted by: elle | May 16, 2006 at 08:14 AM

You killed my Denny. You couldn't let him live until next season? You couldn't give them a few moments of happiness? We all knew he was going to die, but he could have lived for a little while before it happened. You suck.

Cristina. She really just "dropped the ball". I know she doesn't do emotion very well, but to not help in the OR and to walk out. Cristina sucks too.

Mer and Derrick. They are so selfish. They are perfect for each other. Too bad they won't get it together. It is a drama after all.

Prom at the hospital. Sorry. HATED THE WHOLE THING. There was a funny thing over at the VH1 Best Week Ever site. Something to the effect of Denny dying and where are all the doctors? At the f*****g prom. That made me laugh my butt off!

I did enjoy the finally despite everything. Good job.

P.S. You still suck for killing off Denny.
Posted by: Kristine S | May 16, 2006 at 07:29 AM

PLEASE BRING DENNY BACK!!! IT WAS A LOVE THAT COULD BE A MASTERFUL WORK OF ART TO WATCH UNFOLD. I AM SURE HE HAS A TWIN BROTHER RIGHT? THAT COULD COME IN JUST IN TIME TO STOP IZZY FROM KILLING HERSELF.BCAUSE AS WE ALL KNOW THAT IS THE ONLY CHOICE SHE HAS TO DEAL WITH ALL THAT SHE CAUSED, AND THE ONLY WAY SHE CAN BE WITH DENNY.
Posted by: shirley | May 16, 2006 at 05:53 AM

I will never forgive you for killing Denny.

Ever.

You just killed my faith in television and my faith in the knowledge that writers understand the connection watchers have to specific characters. Denny was the best thing to happen to that show and Izzie. Sadists.
Posted by: Why do you hate me. | May 15, 2006 at 11:32 PM

WOW!!!!!!!!WOW!!!!!!!WOW!!!!
that's all I can say..I think I'm your number one fan...Just finished watching the season's finale....and it is HOTTT...so HOTTT that I even had to tape it and i'm going and watch it again

To the writers, I give you all 10 fingers ups...and all ten toes...excellent..excellent

Love Doctor bailey..that is my girl..want to be just like her when I grow up

Mark...give me back a shout please...I'm from Barbados...might have a couple ideas for your show..but seriously...email me at topshotta_17@yahoo.com...would love to get in contact with you...for real
Posted by: Sherry-Ann | May 15, 2006 at 09:12 PM

The coffee's a-brewin'

So we don't have much time.

It's Monday, see, and we have this thing about dreading them. We know. You do, too. Especially when it's cloudy, again, and bed seems so the better option. We're eating soggy Honey Nut Cheerios and debating whether the milk is spoiled. Bed. So. The better. Option.

So we're rushing and we have stories about turnpike traffic (seriously? There aren't any stoplights. None. So all ya'll drivers from other states, and ya'll are from other states, we counted -- need to keeps-a-drivin'. Don't stop. Don't slam on your breaks. Happy f*cking Mother's Day. Now move the f*ck out the way).

Anyway, we have stories. But they can wait. No time.

We've referenced this several times in the past, but it's always worth the read the day after. We like the idea of writers writing about what they wrote and why.

We know. Tapping phones and war and immigration and polls and horrid weather and other stories may be more important. But Izzie is so gone and darnit we can't wait to see how it ends tonight.

At 9. Only on the ABC.

Sh*t. We're not even watching Raw because of this.

One more on this

He, um, he asked for the Phillies to install padding on the metal part of the fence because he knew he'd eventually hit it. Man this guy is so our new favorite Phillie.

We'll return to our regulary scheduled programming, and what we *might* have said to the dbag who cut us off yesterday, later. (Hint: something about Mother's Day and what he can, well, suck).

(Photo by the AP's Rusty Kennedy).

So *that's* why they traded Thome

We'd heard stories. But godd*mn Aaron Rowand may have made the best catch in Phillies history tonight. Watch you the video by clicking here. Holy sh*t.

He says he's not coming back.

He said he's still smarting from the reaction the last time a bear was on the lam. And now this. Bear said we can all go to hell. We're trying to talk him into coming home, but, well, this one'll be tough. We care, Bear.

HAH! (Sorry, Bear, if you're reading. We keeeed because we bear). HAH!

Come again?

So we were driving, mainly because it's what we do, a lot, during the week. Driving. Up and down roads. Driving. Every f*cking day. Up and down. Back and forth. Through the circle. HEY LADY! YOU HAVE TO F*CKING YIELD! WE HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY! MOVE, B*TCH, GET OUT THE WAY...

So we were driving.

And we were listening to the ol' country music. And Garth came on. We remember fondly this Garth. We thought we'd give him a li'l listen. And then, maybe, a li'l sing-a-long.

"Rushing along in the wind..." Hey. Waitaminute. We used to pronounce the "A" in "along" longways like. We liked it that way. She was rushing along with the wind. Made sense to us. But when we stopped and listened, actually listened, well, we realized it was "headlong."

Eleven years of AAAAAAlong and now we know. Huh. And it's not "Every time (we) pass them wheat hills," either.

Now this isn't as bad as "You are the woman that I've always dreamed of, I knew if from the start ... I saw your face and that's the last I seen of my eyeball," but it's close.

Just sayin'.

We get it now

It came to us as a reality in the shower. As we soaped up our face all nice and clean-like, the scalding hot water launched itself at us. Again.

We now have a system, though.

Enjoying the nice warm wake-up shower goodness? Enjoy it. Scalding hot water launches itself at you? Scream like a li'l baby b*tch and turn the hot water down just a smidge. Keep b*tching under your breath and --

Hey. Waitaminute.

If Nemo over there had stood naked in a scolding hot shower for a week, then we'd be impressed. Sh*t. We might even be impressed if he held his breath for 20 seconds, tops, in the stream of boiling adversity.

So we get it now. Impressive, this chilling in a bowl for a week with people monitoring your every breath, into an oxygen tank, no less, and massaging your fingers, which we secretly hoped would fall off half way through.

What? Fingers? Nevermind.

We still don't get it

We just don't. Why all the press?

We held our breath for a minute, maybe 1:04, just to see if we could do this. Piece of cake. And it wasn't soggy, wet cake, because if the "magician" wanted some, then he'd've had to eat it either in the sphere or through a tube, which is why the cake would be wet, and one often says, "piece of cake," when something is easy to do.

We know. The joke bombed as bad as Blaine over there. Primetime record our ass. Can he go back to "Pick a card, any card," now?

"You know, that funny movie."

We're so off the TC bandwagon and the need to perpetually tool on his general hilarity.

But we will say this: when the dental assistant, whose breath smells like rubber gloves and who loves to garden on the weekends, says she won't "see that movie because Tom Cruise is a little crazy," then, well, ol' Danny boy is f*cked.

The dental assistant also loved "Philip Seymour Hoffman in, you know, that funny movie with the Friends star and that Ben Stiller guy."

She doesn't want to see United 93, though. And she thinks it's a good thing we've been flossing more lately.

Just sayin'.

Ashlee Simpson Not Rushing to Get Married

Yeah. That was a headline we read today. Ashlee, sweetie, we don't care about anything that comes out of your mouth. Ever. Well. There is one, er, well, nevermind.

Now we can go back outside and enjoy what is pretty much the most perfectest day ever.

***
Currently listening to: You Left Me in a Hole (Yonder).

Enough with the Santa Claus

We're so, so tired of stories about Philly sports that include references to "booing Santa Claus," "throwing batteries," or "crying in the West Hall second floor hallway, Meister Brau can crushed beside him and rally cap torn to shreds, seconds after Mitch Williams served up the World Series nice and crispy for Toronto."

Give Philly some credit, will ya? (Photo by the AP's Rusty Kennedy).

UPDATE!

Of course he is.

P*ssy.

"And (we) said baby, it's 3 a.m. (we) must be...

We were on prescription medication once. We totally staggered to our car at 2:45 a.m. and drove off to cast us some votes. True story. Scouts honor.

Wait.

Oh yeah. We quit the scouts because Paul Kilroy accused us of eating all the Twinkies on the big camping trip, and we so didn't. So scouts honor is somewhat meaningless. Therefore, it wasn't really prescription medication now, was it?

Did we really have to spell that out?

Dead end, indeed.

Um. Big time shout out (do such things still happen, these shout outs?) to Jessie for this.

We first heard the audio on the Gregg and Tony Show. We didn't believe it. Maybe we just got hold of the wrong stuff, we thought.

But then we saw it. Please tell us this came from a Christopher Guest - Dave Chapelle sitdown.

Please. Please tell us this.

***
Currently listening to: Hairshirt (REM).

*sigh*

(Photo by Jason Reed, Reuters).

***
Currently listening to: Dawn's Early Light (Yonder).

Well, that's one way to do it.

Way to handle your bidness, fellas.

It's getting harder and harder to represent Phillytowne these days. But hey! The Phillies have won three in a row! Get your Series tickets now!*

* Don't get your Series tickets now.**

** At this point, time to come clean. We totally stole this asterisk bit from our good friend Mike. We thank him.

***
Currently listening to: My Last Name. (Oh boy. But that's another story for another day).

We're happy. Really.

Seriously. We don't get angry. When we start to feel a li'l Incredible Hulky, well, we calm ourselves with pleasant thoughts.

There. All better. Now let's all get out there and have the best day ever!!!*

* We really want to stop with the best ______ evers. It's so getting the most out of hand ever.

Meanwhile... back at the grocery store...

BMW, parked in the closest spot to the store ever, with windows down and no owner to be found anywhere near the sumbitch: BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP.

Middle-aged mother/aspiring comic: Man. They sure make those car alarms loud enough for deaf people to hear them.

And END SCENE.

To the kid at the Express

Please stop *hounding* us whenever we charge in to quickly find us a shirt and maybe on sale jeans. Please stop saying, "Sir, can I help you find your size?" each time we go to a new rack.

No. You can't. We're completely aware of what we wear. Did you see that we had a shirt and pants in our hands and we were doing pretty well with this shopping thing?

We have a system. Now gets-a-steppin' before we take our good business elsewhere.

Had you asked us again, we were prepared to throw the clothes at you and maybe climb the big shelf ladder just so we could drop a bionic elbow and layeth the smacketh downeth on your candy ass.