We love how sometimes we report the news and we think we're breaking it

From the AP: Saddam Hussein, the shotgun-waving dictator who ruled Iraq with a remorseless brutality for a quarter-century and was driven from power by a U.S.-led war that left his country in shambles, was taken to the gallows and executed Saturday, Iraqi state-run television reported.

Why we need a new job, reason 1,965

"HAPPY FRIDAY!!!" she said, dancing in our cubicle. "THREE DAYS OFF THIS WEEKEND YAY IT'S FRIDAY IT'S FRIDAY IT'S FRIDAY SMILE!!!"

We think we're close to losing it

And tonight's put the milk in the cupboard moment is brought to you by putting the paper towels in the fridge.

Awesome. Because, you know, that's where the paper towels go. In the fridge. Top shelf. Between the eggs and the wine.

Why we probably won't see the new one

It doesn't get any better than this.

Right?

Today's what the f*ck moment is brought to you, once again, by the President of the United States and his dumb war.

Seriously. What the f*ck?

We did like him when he was on the Eagles, sort of -- he had cool dances and stuff

But we didn't like him in the aftermath of the Super Bowl two years ago, especially when he started doing sit-ups in his plush Cherry Hill driveway. And we really don't like him anymore, what with the ME ME ME all the TIME TIME TIME.

Anyway, there's something utterly and totally satisfying about the following AP story by Stephen Hawkins:

IRVING, Texas (AP) -- Terrell Owens is 0-for-2 against the Philadelphia Eagles. That's the least of his problems.

While he wore a Cowboys-branded Santa hat on his head, Owens certainly wasn't joyful Christmas night. His frustration was evident after a 23-7 loss, when he scored the only Dallas touchdown, then complained several times that not enough passes are coming his way.

"I just feel like I'm not involved early in the game," Owens said. "Everybody knows that's what I do. Every team that I've played on, I've been involved early and often. It's hard to get in the flow when you're getting a ball here, a ball there."

Owens had only three balls come his direction before halftime, all on the drive that ended with his 14-yard TD pass with 36 seconds left to get Dallas within 10-7. He also caught a 9-yard pass and another attempt resulted in an illegal contact penalty against the Eagles.

Those were Owens' only catches in the game.

After the Eagles stretched their lead to 16-7 in the third quarter, Owens let an almost perfectly thrown deep ball by Tony Romo go right through his hands along the sideline. He said there should have been a penalty on Brian Dawkins, who was defending him.

"He bumped me way down the field and I started to regroup. By the time I looked up and located the ball, it was right on me," Owens said.

"All receivers are going to drop the ball," Romo said, downplaying it.

Romo, the Pro Bowl quarterback whose 142 yards were his fewest in his nine starts, threw toward a double-covered Owens early in the fourth quarter. Dawkins was there again, making a nifty over-the-shoulder grab for an interception.

"Late in the game, they start throwing to me," Owens said. "By that time, it's too late. I'm giving full effort. I want to be involved."

Owens didn't have a catch in the first half in his much-hyped October return to Philadelphia, when he finished with only three grabs for 45 yards and the Eagles won 38-24.

This time, Owens hardly had an impact and the Eagles took control of the NFC East race. Dallas could have clinched its first division title since 1998, but now must beat Detroit and have Philadelphia lose to Atlanta in the regular-season finale. The Eagles and Cowboys are both 9-6 and guaranteed playoff spots.

"It's not necessarily embarrassing that we lost to them," T.O. said. "I was embarrassed by the way we played offensively."

Owens insisted it wasn't a personal grudge match for him against the Eagles, the team that he helped lead to the Super Bowl in 2004 before being suspended midway through last year. That included his bitter and public feud with quarterback Donovan McNabb.

T.O. certainly doesn't have a problem with all the Eagles. He spent part of Christmas Eve visiting with some of his former Philadelphia teammates at their hotel.

"What about it?" Owens said. "That shouldn't have any bearing on the game. That's my time and you know those guys are my friends. I'm not going to shy away from my friends for anybody."

As for what he might say to his current quarterback about getting the ball more, Owens indicated that the problem wasn't Romo, but rather the plays being called.

"I don't think it's necessarily anything Tony and I need to talk about. He knows that I'm going to try my hardest to make some plays for him," he said. "When the plays aren't really designed for me to get involved in the offense, he's going to go with the plays that are called."

Owens even got in on defense for a play, as a deep safety about 30 seconds after his touchdown at the end of the first half. But Jeff Garcia, 4-1 since replacing the injured McNabb, instead dumped the ball for a shorter gain and left 1 second on the clock for a half-ending field goal.

(Photo by Ronald Martinez, Getty Images).

The dog that brought our family together

This is Cameron.

The folks had him for a week. They'd taken him in from a family in Central Jersey who kept him in a cage all day and couldn't care for him properly. They loved him.

The story isn't funny, or first-person plural storytelling-worthy or anything. It's more about what happens when awful, tragic things happen to good people.

See, I was holding Cameron's leash when he wiggled out of his collar and bolted across the street yesterday.

He was hit by a car and died a few minutes later. I'll spare you the rest of the story other than to say that for the last 24 hours, I've been reliving every single second leading up to when this happened. Everyone says it wasn't my fault, and that these things happen for a reason.

Maybe, in time, I'll believe that.

This morning, Christmas morning, my dad told a story about a sermon he once heard years ago. The minister said he came upon a man standing in his garden, looking forlorn and digging his hands through his pockets, clearly not interested in the world around him. The man was so devastated by his loss that he was simply giving up.

The man told the preacher his dog had died, and the preacher took a moment to ask him if he loved his dog.

"Yes," the man said.

The preacher than said it's in loving things that we all suffer true loss, but that the trick about life is you kind of have to go through it loving things, and losing things, and loving things some more.

I knew Cameron for five hours. In those five hours, an 11-month-old yellow Lab with a turned-up smile taught me, and my family, so, so much.

I'll forever blame myself for not stopping him. For not doing enough to prevent him from getting away.

But I will forever recognize the importance of friendship and family every day.

I guess that's the lesson Christmas tends to bring -- but most of the time it's in empty words and rhyming cards.

This year, it came in reality. I wish we didn't lose Cameron for me to recognize that.

I hope you all had a safe and warm Christmas holiday. And for those who don't celebrate Christmas, I hope the faith you believe in, and your faith in humanity and in the ones you love, is as strong today as it's ever been.

But we thought she was so in to McDreamy

So in last night's dream, Ellen Pompeo is tending bar and all we wanted to do was order another Guinness.

She'd been making those sparkly, sexy eyes at us all night, and we weren't biting. After the way she treated George, what would she do to Old Man Snap? Plus, she was a bartender. Sparkly, sexy eyes is what they do.

In turn, we did what any self-protecting/loathing/deprecating Norm Peterson would do. We ignored her when she tried to talk to us while waiting for the Guinness to settle. And we ate beer nuts.

"Old Man," she said, eyes still sparking. "HEY! Do you want to go out with me or what?"

"Huh?" we replied, taken somewhat by surprise, even though Ellen Pompeo is tending bar and flirting her ass off with us and we're dreaming this, every last second of it. "Well. Sure. But only if we agree there's no future whatsoever."

And then Ellen Pompeo reached across the bar and kissed us on the cheek.

"You're too cute," she said. "It's a deal."

We maybe blushed.

LAB MOMS!

Check it.

Oops

Miss Nevada oughta be ashamed of herself, actin' out the way she does. Good Lord oughta give her a piece of his mind, we reckon. Maybe a good span-- no. We're not that much of a hack. Come on, y'all. You should know better.

All y'all.

All we have to say is thank goodness she's been dethroned. Because these things matter and youngins look up to role models, yessir.

File this under things we never thought we'd see in Bridgewater, N.J., even in the WaWa

We know. Again with the WaWa. But we think a tranny was in line in front of us, so this is important.

She grabbed a li'l blue baggie of plain M&Ms and ordered two packs of Marlboro Reds.

She scared us a little bit maybe, but not because of the whole tranny thing. It was more the eating the M&Ms at the mag rack and putting the packs of Marlboro Reds into the suitcase of a purse she had on her.

She also annoyed the sh*t out of us while we stood in line with the searching through her suitcase for money and then the paying and then the taking forever to put the receipt back in the suitcase and then the opening the bag of M&Ms and eating them, post paying and while we were about to put our wrap and Sun Chips on the counter.

It so wasn't morning, though, and we just worked out. So no anger issues. Yay, us.

What our horoscope says, and our oh so important interpretation because, you know, it's important to interpret these things

It says...
Quickie: Friends in high places are expecting more of you. But follow your own path today.

We say...
We're so listening to our J.T. "My Love" supermix all morning, especially on the b*tch commute. And we're so dancing. Happily. Dancing sexy-like. Aw hells yeah.

It says...
Overview: You've been eyeing an objective for a long time, especially since you know it's well within your reach. In fact, you've been prepping for this for the longest time, whether you realize it or not. The stars are on your side.

We say...
HAH! We knew there was a reason we've been playing the geetar for 779 straight days. But who's counting, you know?

And so it ends

Good luck, A.I.

Thank you, Time Magazine. We'll do our best to make you proud each and every day the good Lord allows us on this earth.

We're speechless, really. Finally, some f*cking recognition for what amounts to daily brilliance. Thank you, Time. It's about, um, time.

How to handle a crisis accordingly

"There is no tactful way to give you this information."

How f*cking awesome is that?

So they picked the finalists

Just wait until next year, we say.

Old Man Snap: From New Jersey, this 32-year-old self-deprecating former fat kid is a real charmer on stage. Shy by nature and good-lookin’ to boot, OMS threatened to lay the smackdown on the judges during his second Nashville Star audition. "I told you y’all need some Jersey up in this beeyatch," he said before nailing a rendition of Dierks Bentley’s "Got a Lot of Leavin’ Left to Do" and slamming a Schlitz, even though the rules explicitly say alcohol is banned from all auditions.

We liked the sex better

Our fives of readers may remember last week's story about the best wake-up call ever*.

So this morning, around 5ish, we swear on our good name that we were awakened awokened woke up because someone in a nearby apartment started rehearsing for American Idol.

We swear we heard someone belting out Queen of the Night or some sh*t. We swear.

Payback for our night-before panic practices for Nashville Star? Maybe. But we weren't all Fantasia with our sh*t.

Huh. We don't know. Now that we think on it, maybe it was a dream. Who sings Queen of the Night at 5 a.m.?

Huh.

* We've given up all hope on BEST ______ EVER. We know. It's just that it's the best adjective ever.

Just like in Goodfellas

So remember the ending of the Goodfellas, when the helicopter looms everywhere?

We think we're being followed.

We woke up to it, and it's still looming, this chopper. It's circling our apartment. Loud rumbling. Then faint rumbling. Loud. Faint.

So either some idiot in his personal deathtrap is circling the local airport, trying to land. Or there's a really bad accident on the nearby highway and it's a life-flight type thing. Or maybe awful news happened, and the news chopper is dancing in the sky getting B roll.

Or we're really being followed.

It's creeping us out. It's making our windows rattle. We'll update again when we can.

If we can.

Unless they get us.

Um. Help?

Was it because the Serbs rioted?

We told you they didn't like the new ball.

We know it's been awhile since we've been to the gym, but boy times sure have changed.

Since when is it OK to walk around the locker room in some tight-ass tighty whities? And since when is it OK for the same dude in tighty whities to be all up in our bidness with back hair? Ew, y'all.

Ew.

And now back to quoting health papers we wrote in 1991 and got B-pluses on, again.

I see the act of homosexual love-making as repulsive to me as a Friday the 13th movie. But seriously, I feel I have a slight case of homophobia.

Awesome, young man bombing-comic was a homophobe. He also rambled on about tabs and slots and what not, because he was an "old-fashioned kind of guy."

Ew. We hated ourselves enough back then. No need to start again now. Everyone, love-make. And go. The more the better, that's what we say. Love-make it up, y'all.

What might be wrong with politics on the whole, as well as the American voter.

From the CNN this morning:

Rep. William Jefferson won re-election by a wide margin over fellow Democrat Karen Carter in a Louisiana runoff. He returns to Congress for a ninth term despite an FBI bribery probe in which $90,000 in cash allegedly was found in his home freezer. His presence in Washington could be embarrassing for Democrats, who won control of Congress in part on a platform of cleaning up corruption.

Dr. J. Andrew Toney. Mo Cheeks. Barkley. Dawkins. Malone. Iverson. Hawkins.

He's more like our number 2 favorite Sixer after Charles, and that's saying a lot.

Thanks, A.I. for stomping all up in Ty Lue's bidness.

"As hard as it is to admit, a change may be the best thing for everyone," Iverson said in the statement. "I hate admitting that, because I love the guys on the team and the city. I appreciate that in my 11 years in Philadelphia, the fans have always stood by me, supported me, and gone to bat for me."

Check it at 4:48:

Why we stew at work sometimes, and by sometimes we mean a lot

"I want to go to (store that closed)," she said. "But it closed. Since it's a chain, can I type it in in googles and see where there's other ones?"

Again with the dreams

So last night, Vince McMahon told us in our dream that we were in charge of World Wrestling Entertainment's tag-team division. Old Man Snap. In charge of booking matches and writing storylines for every single tag-team in all of WWE.

Thanks, Mr. McMahon, we said, and shook his hand firmly.

That'll teach us to write about war-torn countries right before we go to bed

So we had two dreams last night.

In the first one, clocking in around 3:08 a.m., we were taken hostage and put in a 1986 Russian internment camp. We are denied good food and drink and taken away from our family. We are told Communism is the way to go. But we do meet a good-lookin' fella named Jon. He tells us his name doesn't have an h and pats us on the back. He tells us it'll all be OK.

In the second one, clocking in around 5:36 a.m., we're at the shore house on the porch, watching a cheerleading pyramid challenge in the backyard, only those aren't cheerleaders down there. No, they're moms and dads and they're children. The top of one of the pyramids toppled toward the porch, so we grabbed the two kids from atop the pyramid before they fell three stories to their certain deaths.

So there's that.

Nobody likes the new ball

Those crazy Serbs are at it again.

Because you were wondering

1. What is your occupation? Blogger. Genuinely good-lookin’ fella.

2. What color are your socks right now? Not wearing any. And totally freeballing, too.

3. What are you listening to right now? David Gray.

4. What was the last thing you ate? A Philly burger. Tasted like a cheesesteak. Now we have the stomach pains.

5. Can you drive a stick shift? Word.

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Burnt Sienna.

7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Our best gal.

8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes.

9. How old are you today? 98.

10. Favorite drink? Half-and-halfs. Yes. Plural.

11. What is your favorite sport to watch? The English Premiere League.

12. Have you ever dyed your hair? We once went with the Sunburst. No more, though.

13. Pets? Plant.

14. Favorite food? Salmon. We know.

15. What was the last movie you watched? Walk the Line.

16. Favorite day of the year? All of March. If not that, then Saturday.

17. What do you do to vent anger? Beat the sh*t out of geeks.

18. What was your favorite toy as a child? Our AWA wrestler and ring set. We were so the Champ.

19. What is your favorite fall or spring? Spring, though Fall is growing on us.

20. Hugs or kisses? Aw hell yeah. More, even.

21. Cherries or Blueberries? Strawberries. WHAT. That’s how we roll.

22. Do you want your friends to email you back? Readers, unite.

23. Who is most likely to respond? All of y’all should hit this up in the comments.

24. Who is least likely to respond? All of y’all.

25. Living arrangements? A porch and a parking lot suffices.

26. When was the last time you cried? Watching Grey's. Shut up, you.

27. What is on the floor of your closet? Dust.

28. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? N/A.

29. What did you do last night? Slept.

30. Favorite smells? Vanilla.

31. What inspires you? Being in tune.

32. What are you afraid of? Forgetting all of the words.

33. Plain, cheese, spicy burgers? Cheese. But not so much with the Philly burger. Again. Pains.

34. Favorite dog breed? Bulldog.

35. Number of keys on your key ring? Not enough. We should have more keys.

36. How many years at your current job? Too many! HAH! LOL! ROTFL haha.

37. Favorite day of the week? Saturday.

38. How many states have you lived in? Two.

39. Favorite holiday? Halloween. We love us some costumes.

40. Ever driven a Motorcycle or heavy machinery? We don’t want to bust our pretty face Big Ben-style, so no.

Things we never really ever want to hear at work. Like, ever. Yet, we did today.

"I would've done the C-section myself if I'd've known that."

These things never end well, not even in the Wild Things, which is never on the PBS, even though it says Wild Things on the schedule

From the AP:

NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J.: A popular Colonia High School teacher who coached the girls varsity soccer team was indicted yesterday on charges he exchanged sexually suggestive text messages with a 17-year-old female student and tried to cover up the alleged crime.

A Middlesex County grand jury charged Michael Petak, 30, with official misconduct, two counts of witness tampering and a count of attempting to destroy evidence by erasing copies of text messages recorded on his cell phone.

The grand jury accused Petak of having inappropriate sexual conversations with the 17-year-old student and, over the summer, attempting to convince her and an unidentified acquaintance to destroy copies of his text messages.

Petak, who is married and the father of a young child, was suspended from teaching after he was arrested and charged in September. He has pleaded not guilty and remains free on bail. No trial date has been set.

We got nothin'

We know. We're above sh*t jokes and the like. But come on. This is the most f*cked up story y'all will read in quite sometime.

Wow. Poor lady. Our Aunt Marge passed gas once. Oof.

"What," she said. "I'm gassy."

Granted, she's developmentally disabled, not hellaexcited to light a match a plane.

We can't believe we just typed "passed gas."

Ew.

They did what, now?

Huh.

Are we too racially sensitive? Are we losing our minds? It's about snow, right? Right?

WHITE CHRISTMAS
(Irving Berlin)

G Am D
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
C D7 G
just like the ones I used to know
G C Cm
Where the tree tops glisten and children listen
G Am D7
To hear sleigh bells in the snow
G Am D
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
C D7 G
with every Christmas card I write
C Cm
May your days be merry and bright
G Em C D7 G Am D7
And may all your Christmas-es be white


REPEAT, then finish with:
G Em C D7 G
And may all your Christmas-es be white

Oops. Didn't make church again this morning

But did catch this on the VH1 Classic/Current.



Testify.

Rock stars are people, too

See? People do write back on the Myspace. The following is an in-depth, friendship-defining conversation between OMS and Jesse Valenzuela, kick-ass guitarist and harmonizer for the Gin Blossoms.

We're so opening for them next year*.

----------------------------------------------------

Hey (OMS),
Thanks for the kind words. It was a real good time for us. I loved walking around in your town, very beautiful.
Take care, Jesse

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: (OMS)
Date: Dec 1 2006 4:09 AM


Hi Jesse,

Saw your show last night in Morristown. Your solos were fantastic. The back of the room was with you, too -- not just your side.

Good luck with the rest of the tour.

(OMS)

---------------------------------------------------

*Not really opening for them, no.

We don't think that'll work, Brian

So we saw the Gin Blossoms in concert last night.

At said concert, Brian stood in line for the urinal, pen in hand, card at the ready position. He then wrote his name, legibly, on said card, complete with phone number. Feeling it, he then put the card back in his pocket, clearly wearing the look of someone who's gonna get him some at a Gin Blossoms concert.

He then took a piss.

On his way out, he grabbed a paper towel after not washing his hands.

Good luck with the ladies, Brian.

Who needs an alarm clock?

We know we were dreaming, and then we thought our alarm went off, and then we heard moaning. And then we heard a grunt, and then more moaning.

Like, hot chick porn star moaning.

Faintly, it came from either directly below our apartment or in the downstairs apartment next across the hall. She was definitely moaning. He was definitely grunting. It happened several times, in unison. Toward the end, there was definitely some speed involved.

And then a sigh.

It was 5:09 in the morning.

Nice.

First headline we read this morning

Britney's Crotch Shots Take Web by Storm

We won't bother posting the pictures. They're, um, easily findable.

We tend to enjoy messes like this, but come on, whatever happened to tucking and showing a little old fashioned decency?

So this is how we hunt

0500 hours Up and attem, boy. Time to get us a buck, yessir.

0624 Here we are, positioned up here against the tree here. We’re sportin’ our orange gear and work boots cuz it’s gonna be warm in these here parts today. Our rifle is loaded. We’ll get us a buck, yessir.

0652 Heard shots off there in the distance, there. Ain’t seen sh*t near us, though.

0724.18 Startin’ the list of people we had sex with over the years, then.

0724.27 Finished list of people we had sex with over the years, then.

0732 Visualizin’ our next set at them there open mic nights.

0800 zzzzzzzzzz

0818 Musta dozed off there a bit. Thinkin’ ‘bout how pretty that there sun looks, there.

0842 Stretchin’ our legs, there.

0848 Motorboat, Scarlett. Motorboat.

0915 Standin’ up. Stretchin’ some more. Think we hear a squirrel haven sex nearby.

0922 Squirrel’s still chirpin’. Boy he’s a goer.

0932 Seriously with the squirrel? If we didn’t know any better, we’d be thinkin’ that varmint is tryin’ to blow up our spot.

0945 Engagin’ the squirrel in rock battle. Missed the li’l bastard with the last toss.

0948 zzzzzzzzzzz

1012 Huh. What. Who. What was that? A rock fallin' from a tree. Daggum. We’ll get that there squirrel there.

1015 Success, yessir. Take that ya li’l bastard. Teach you to toss stones at us from them there trees.

1032 This cheese ‘n cracker sure tastes good.

1048 So does this here banana.

1130 Walkin’ back to the truck now for lunch. Ain’t seen no buck yet. But we will, yessir.

1142 Eatin' our bagel and our hard-boiled eggs. Sippin’ our Diet Pepsi here. Waitin’ to get back in them there woods.

1155 Back to the woods we go.

1215 That daggum squirrel is back. Man he chirps a lot.

1217 Walkin’ up the mountain for a better spot, here.

1239 Sh*t. Them rocks sure is slippery. We done banged our knee off that sumbitch. Ow.

1300 zzzzzzzzzz

1328 Who the. What the.

1405 Movin’ along now. No buck yet, but we seen a hoofprint on the trail a ways back, there.

1445 Up the mountain we go. There we are around a bear den, seems. Nothin’ doin’, though.

1525 This sure is a big mountain to be hikin’ up like this here.

1540 Now then. This here is the spot. We can feel them deer’ll be a-comin’.

1550 We been out here nine hours. Ain’t seen sh*t ‘cept some yappy squirrel and a butterfly. Where them damn deer at.

1555 We got this here camera videophone. Seems to be workin’ real good. We just filmed our rifle here and our cheese ‘n cracker. Goods eats, they is.

1605 No deer and 30 minutes left. Well we’ll be daggumed.

1622 Here we are walkin’ back to the truck then. Ain’t seen a daggum buck all daggum day.

1655 hours No we’s back at the bar, then. This here Genesee Cream Ale sure hits the spot.

And END SCENE.

And now back to quoting health papers we wrote in 1991 and got B-pluses on

On sexual orientation:

People should be free to do whatever they want with whoever they wish to do it with. It should be that person's decision, not another person's opinion, of what to do. So if I might see a homosexual couple walking down the street, then my opinion of them should not concern them. I am somewhat prejudice of homosexuals because I would fear a situation of being come on to.

Um. Yeah. Not proud. Not in the least.

But hey! Seems we even mentioned a Scott Baio movie on the HBO that taught us a good lesson about the homosexuals.

Scott Baio's best friend in the movie was gay, and everyone turned against him. Scott was warned by all to stay away from the "fag," but eventually he realized this guy was his best friend and he had to stick with him. This is an example of true, mature friendship, something I hope that I can accomplish in a given situation.

But then back to being so, so ashamed of young man homophobe:

If a homosexual walked up to me on the street, I would most definitely steal away quickly, feeling threatened.

Steal where, now? Our teacher admired our honesty, but we needed to use more facts from the reading (i.e. percentages, the genetic factor, etc.).

And now back to guess who said this?

"There's a lot of sectarian violence taking place, fomented in my opinion because of the attacks by al Qaeda, causing people to seek reprisal."

*sigh*

We're changing with the '90s

HEY! Look! OMS is new and improved and refreshed and hip like the kids do!

What, pretell did she mean?

Masseuse at the reputable hair salon, today, to us: Is there anything that needs more work? Is there anything we haven't touched yet that you'd like us to?

Yeah. But did we mention the hunting part?

So we came back from the big ol' excursion to the Outer Banks (Mom: "Is it raining where you are? Because there's a Nor'easter and we might lose power") and the huntin' (Dad: "You need more bullets than just one") and got ourselves a day of pampering.

Midway through the day o' pamperin', the shampoo lady asked us if we waxed.

It was more like, "Oh, do you wax that?"

*That* being the unfortunate hair we grow between our eyebrows. *That* is something we've *plucked* for at least seven years now.

Ew. Do we wax that.

Wax this, beeyatch.

GONE FISHIN'

So we're off on vacation. What? You think we've been slacking off around here? Now wait, you. We've been bringing the funny for more than a year now. Did we tell you about the time we put the milk in the cupboard? Again?

HAH! Now gets-a-laughin'.

Anyway, we're off to parts unknown near a beach for the Thanksgiving holiday, and we're following that up with the annual (we thought it was every two years but oops were we ever mistaken) hunting trip with the old man's ol' man. This time, we might even leave the rifle in the car and just arm ourselves with a banana or crackers or some sh*t.

So yeah, vacation, and then we'll be back with tales of how we probably blasted our Godson with a geetar shot, Honky Tonk Man-style.

In the meantime, more signs the world is ending.

*sigh*, um, again

From today's Star-Ledger. Did we mention that if we were to teach somewhere in the higher education system and if one of our students were to have written "u" recently on a homework assignment, three times, well, nevermind.

(Side note: we think we just heard a weak ass car crash nearby. Like a mini-squeal of the tires and the a, well, oof, was the sound the car made. Random).

Anyway, back to why we think the world is ending sooner than later...

BY CHANDRA M. HAYSLETT
Star-Ledger Staff
Tia Burnett couldn't believe what she was seeing when students started turning in work that looked more like an instant message conversation than an English assignment.

Some of her students at Orange High School in Essex County started sneaking abbreviations -- "u" for "you," "2" for "to" and "4" for "for" -- into their papers and other class assignments.

Burnett quickly put a stop to it.

"I would remind students not to use abbreviations in writing. This is casual e-mail language," said Burnett, who is in her first year as supervisor of language arts for grades 7-12. "Teachers need to constantly drive home the need to be specific about the difference between informal and formal writing."

Teachers, administrators and businesspeople say abbreviations commonly used in e-mails, instant messaging and mobile phone text messages are creeping into assignments and formal writing, and some believe it's hurting the way students think.

Tom Moran, English supervisor at East Brunswick High School in Middlesex County said the speed of electronic communication has "infected" some students' writing.

"E-mails are usually composed at lightning speeds, without any concern about editing, clarity or word choice," Moran said. "This is fine, since most e-mails are not meant to stand alone as polished pieces of prose. The problem arises when students begin thinking at that speed without pausing to consider what, exactly, they are saying."

The volume of electronic communication is growing at a startling pace. During the first six months of this year, 64.8 billion text messages were sent, nearly double the first half of 2005.

Amanda Lenhart, senior research specialist at the Pew Internet & American Life Project, which explores the Internet's impact, said 74 percent of teenagers have instant messaged.

The effects vary, scholars say. In Canada, two university professors concluded there is no adverse effect on syntax or the formation of sentences.

In the study, University of Toronto linguistics professors Derek Denis and Sali Tagliamonte found that although students may be text messaging, most messages don't contain abbreviated words.

"In our corpus of over a million words, all the IM forms accounted for only about 2 percent," Denis said, noting they studied 70 teens during 2004 and 2005. "Though these teens are using more informal language than in their speech, they are also using more formal variables as well.

"This tells us that teens are using English vibrantly, creatively and are able to use it correctly."

That may be the case for Canadian teens, but Rutgers University lecturer Alex Lewis says he must teach freshmen basic writing mechanics and grammar in his expository writing course.

"These kids spend an enormous amount of time writing, but their formal understanding of writing is limited," Lewis said. Because so much writing is e-mailing and IM-ing, Lewis said, that informal style follows into the classroom.

Bob Killian, CEO of the Chicago-based advertising firm Killian and Co., said he has received so many résumés from college graduates who can't write, he will publish a book of the 200 worst samples.

"I have dozens of cover letters that illustrate any number of problems with spelling and grammar," Killian said. "IM-ing is just the latest fad in the wrinkle of things that can go wrong. You should be shocked and amazed, but you aren't anymore."

George Martin, supervisor of English at Plainfield High School, said students are using IM words in the Union County school and teachers have been letting students know when the abbreviations are acceptable or not.

"If it's informal writing and it's brainstorming, we don't have a problem with it. But if it's writing for HSPA (High School Proficiency Assessment) or the SAT prep, then it's not appropriate," Martin said.

Naomi Baron, professor of linguistics at American University in Washington, D.C., who has researched the language of IM-ing and texting, said getting students to realize their audience is key.

"If you simply teach there are ways to use writing, students will get it," Baron said. "I get students who write 'BTW' for 'by the way,' but it only happens once."

Baron pointed out that some IM and texting abbreviations have histories that predate the computer revolution -- "w/" for 'with,' for instance -- and are likely to remain a part of language.

"I would not be surprised to see some of these abbreviations around several decades from now," Baron said. "Similarly, an abbreviation such as 'LOL' (laugh out loud) or 'BTW' (by the way) might stick, while others, such as 'OMG' (oh my God) or 'IMHO' (in my humble opinion) might pass -- through the luck of the draw."

Ew. Do boys really talk like this?

Overheard at one of our favorite watering holes last night. And by "overheard" we mean even though they were right next to us, we probably could've heard their drunk shout-talk from across the bar.

(Huh. "And musical guest... Drunk Shout-Talk!").

Guy 1: Yeah, man. She had some of those flapjack t*tties on her. Like she would lie down and they'd just disappear.

Guy 2: What. She needs like a foundation or some sh*t to hold them up and keep them in place where they belong. Like bricks or some sh*t. Like some sturdy bricks, you know? A foundation...

G1: All I know is they have some miraculous bras out there.

G2: Yup.

Um. Yeah. T*tties?

We do a bad ass impression of Dave Matthews

Thanks to MJ, and yes, we mean our friend MJ and not the one who used to slice the hearts out of Cleveland fans with sick fadeaways.

Aries Spears is pretty much the motherf*cking man. Where his dawgs at, indeed.

We pledge to not cover this. At all. Like, never.

Cruise Spotted Leaving Hotel in Rome

'Twas the headline on the ol' optonline news feed for the email. Seriously? WOW! An overrated douchebag left his hotel! Oh the humanity! He's walking! He's running like he does in every single one of his motion pictures! He's motioning! He's picturing!

Ugh. We still have hope for this world. Sort of but not really at all anymore. Tom Cruise leaving a hotel room in Rome. Unless he's leaving Roberto's room in a towel or some sh*t, sans Katie, we have no use for this or any other Tom Cruise news.

Capiche?

Pretty much our new favorite performer of all time

One minute in. Man. You feel that?

Meanwhile, back in line at the Post Office

So we're 20-deep in line at the post office yesterday, rolling our eyes and sighing as appropriate. Then the old lady walks up behind us. Mind you, we're standing in the lobby outside of the door to the actual Post Office part of the Post Office.

"Do you think the people behind the counter speak English?" she said, loudly. "I mean, I agree with the man in Philadelphia who put up that sign, don't you?"

We turned around to find a li'l old lady who looked like Mr. Magoo in a rain slicker. We half-expected her to say she's proud we "bombed the Japs."

We looked her up and down, didn't say a word, and resumed sighing, passive-aggressive blogger we are.

Speaking of, don't even get us started on the guy in line with the cell phone ring.

"ANYWAY YOU WANT IT THAT'S THE WAY YOU NEED IT ANYWAY YOU WANT IT."

And repeat. Don't answer. Just repeat five or so times.

*sigh*

Why journalism is dying a slow, painful, death, and this makes us sad -- lkie,really saddd

Presidents, civil rights icons, celebrities and ordinary citizens gathered today on the National Mall, where construction is getting under way for a $100 milllion monument honoring Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. The monument will be built on a four-acre site near the Lincoln Memorial, where King delivered his famous "I Have a Dream " speech in 1963.

Important story. Glaring typo. All the news that's blah blah blah. Thanks, CNN. You had this gem on the Web site around lunchtime Monday. Good times.

You know, one day, if we keep naming penguins Elvis and putting li'l blue booties on they feets, then, well, y'all know they're going to strike back

Right?

From Reuters: A penguin called Elvis wears a new pair of blue shoes at the Antarctic Centre's Penguin Encounter display in Christchurch, November 7, 2006. Elvis and 16 other penguins who arrived at the International Antarctic Centre in September have been given specially designed shoes after several penguins developed sore feet in their new home, according to Antarctic Centre director Richard Benton. Picture taken November 7, 2006.

Why we thought of this, we don't know

OMS's Mother, recently: Oh. Is that your new phone? Let me see.
OMS: Um. Well, OK. Here it is.
MOTHER: Hand it to me. Let me see it.
OMS: Yeah, but, OK. Here.
MOTHER: I like it (flips phone).
OMS: Oh. That's just (our) Scarlett Johansson cleavage-bearing wallpaper.
MOTHER: Huh.

Summing up why, in a lot of well-written words, we're pretty much opposed to this war and others suggested or otherwise carried out by, well...

You know, ol' smoke 'em outta there holes over there.

From the AP. Thank you, Scott Lindlaw and Martha Mendoza, for doing what journalists are supposed to do.

In a remote and dangerous corner of Afghanistan, under the protective roar of Apache attack helicopters and B-52 bombers, special agents and investigators did their work. They walked the landscape with surviving witnesses. They found a rock stained with the blood of the victim. They re-enacted the killings - here the U.S. Army Rangers swept through the canyon in their Humvee, blasting away; here the doomed man waved his arms, pleading for recognition as a friend, not an enemy.

"Cease fire, friendlies, I am Pat (expletive) Tillman, damn it!" he shouted, again and again.

The latest inquiry into Tillman's death by friendly fire should end next month; authorities have said they intend to release to the public only a synopsis of their report. But The Associated Press has combed through the results of 2 1/4 years of investigations - reviewed thousands of pages of internal Army documents, interviewed dozens of people familiar with the case - and uncovered some startling findings.

One of the four shooters, Staff Sgt. Trevor Alders, had recently had PRK laser eye surgery. Although he could see two sets of hands "straight up," his vision was "hazy," he said. In the absence of "friendly identifying signals," he assumed Tillman and an allied Afghan who also was killed were enemy.

Another, Spc. Steve Elliott, said he was "excited" by the sight of rifles, muzzle flashes and "shapes." A third, Spc. Stephen Ashpole, said he saw two figures, and just aimed where everyone else was shooting.

Squad leader Sgt. Greg Baker had 20-20 eyesight, but claimed he had "tunnel vision." Amid the chaos and pumping adrenaline, Baker said he hammered what he thought was the enemy but was actually the allied Afghan fighter next to Tillman who was trying to give the Americans cover: "I zoned in on him because I could see the AK-47. I focused only on him."

All four failed to identify their targets before firing, a direct violation of the fire discipline techniques drilled into every soldier.

There's more:

_Tillman's platoon had nearly run out of vital supplies, according to one of the shooters. They were down to the water in their Camelbak drinking pouches, and were forced to buy a goat from a local vendor. Delayed supply flights contributed to the hunger, fatigue and possibly misjudgments by platoon members.

_A key commander in the events that led to Tillman's death both was reprimanded for his role and meted out punishments to those who fired, raising questions of conflict of interest.

_A field hospital report says someone tried to jump-start Tillman's heart with CPR hours after his head had been partly blown off and his corpse wrapped in a poncho; key evidence including Tillman's body armor and uniform was burned.

_Investigators have been stymied because some of those involved now have lawyers and refused to cooperate, and other soldiers who were at the scene couldn't be located.

_Three of the four shooters are now out of the Army, and essentially beyond the reach of military justice.

Taken together, these findings raise more questions than they answer, in a case that already had veered from suggestions that it all was a result of the "fog of war" to insinuations that criminal acts were to blame.

The Pentagon's failure to reveal for more than a month that Tillman was killed by friendly fire have raised suspicions of a coverup. To Tillman's family, there is little doubt that his death was more than an innocent mistake.

One investigator told the Tillmans that it hadn't been ruled out that Tillman was shot by an American sniper or deliberately murdered by his own men - though he also gave no indication the evidence pointed that way.

"I will not assume his death was accidental or 'fog of war,'" said his father, Pat Tillman Sr. "I want to know what happened, and they've clouded that so badly we may never know."

And so, almost two years after three bullets through the forehead killed the star defensive back - a man who President Bush would call "an inspiration on and off the football field" - the fourth investigation began.

This time, the investigators are supposed to think like prosecutors:

Who fired the shots that killed Pat Tillman, and why?

Who insisted Tillman's platoon split and travel through dangerous territory in daylight, against its own policy? Who let the command slip away and chaos engulf the unit?

And perhaps most of all: Was a crime committed?

---

The long and complicated story of Pat Tillman's death and the investigations it spawned began five years ago, in the smoking ruins of the World Trade Center.

"It is a proud and patriotic thing you are doing," Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld wrote to Tillman in 2002, after Tillman - shocked and outraged by the Sept. 11 attacks - turned down a multimillion-dollar contract with the Arizona Cardinals to join the elite Army Rangers.

The San Jose, Calif. native enlisted with his brother Kevin, who gave up his own chance to play professional baseball. The Tillmans were deployed to Iraq in 2003, then sent to Afghanistan.

The mission of their "Black Sheep" platoon in April 2004 sounded straightforward: Divide a region along the Pakistan border into zones, then check each grid for insurgents and weapons. They were to clear two zones and then move deeper into Afghanistan.

But a broken-down Humvee known as a Ground Mobility Vehicle, or GMV, stalled the unit on an isolated road. A mechanic couldn't fix it, and a fuel pump flown in on a helicopter didn't help.

Hours passed. Enemy fighters watched invisibly, plotting their ambush.

Tillman's platoon must have presented an inviting target. There were 39 men - including six allied Afghan fighters trained by the CIA - and about a dozen vehicles.

Impatience was rising at the tactical operations center at Forward Operating Base Salerno, near Khowst, Afghanistan, where officers coordinated the movements of several platoons. Led by then-Maj. David Hodne, the so-called Cross-Functional Team worked at a U-shaped table inside a 20-by-30-foot tent with a projection screen and a satellite radio.

(Hodne, now a lieutenant colonel and executive officer for the 75th Ranger Regiment, declined to be interviewed on the record by the AP - as did nearly every person involved in the incident.)

When the Humvee broke down, the Black Sheep were nearing the end of their assignment; all that was left was to "turn one last stone and then get out," Hodne would testify. The unit was then to head for Manah, a small village where it would spend the night.

The commanders had already given the Black Sheep an extra day to get into its grid zones. High-ranking commanders were "pushing us pretty hard to keep moving," said Hodne.

"We had better not have any more delays due to this vehicle," he told his subordinates.

At the operations center, the Black Sheep's company commander, then-Capt. William C. "Satch" Saunders, was feeling the heat to get the platoon moving.

"We wanted to make sure we had a force staged to confirm or deny any enemy presence in Manah the next day, so we would not get ourselves too far behind setting ourselves up for our next series of operations," he recalled later to an investigator.

The order came down to split the platoon in two to speed its progress.

Saunders initially told investigators that Hodne had issued the order, but later, after he was given immunity from prosecution, he acknowledged it was his decision alone.

Hodne later said he was in the dark - "I felt like the village idiot because I had no idea what they were doing," he recalled. The decision was foolhardy, he said. Divided in two, "they didn't have enough combat power to do that mission" of clearing Manah, he testified. (Other commanders have insisted that splitting the platoon was perfectly safe and a common practice.)

One thing is clear: The order sparked a flurry of activity by the Black Sheep.

One of the gunners who shot Tillman said his unit didn't even have time to look at a map before getting back on the road.

"We were rushed to conduct an operation that had such flaws," said Alders. "Which in the end would prove to be fatal."

"If anything, this sense of urgency was as deadly to Tillman as the bullet that cut his life short," Alders wrote in a lengthy statement protesting his expulsion from the Rangers. "We could have conducted the search at night like we did on the follow-up operations or the next morning like we ended up doing anyway. Why, I ask, why?"

An investigator, Brig. Gen. Gary M. Jones, would later agree that an "artificial sense of urgency" to keep Tillman's platoon moving was a crucial factor in his death: "There was no specific intelligence that made the movement to Manah before nightfall imperative."

An officer involved in the incident told AP there was, however, general intelligence of insurgent activity in this region, historically a Taliban hotbed.

That suspicion would be confirmed when the Black Sheep drove through a narrow canyon, its walls towering about 500 feet, and came under fire from enemy Afghans. Chaos broke out and communications broke down.

After the platoon split, the second section of the convoy roared out of the canyon, into an open valley and straight at their comrades a few minutes ahead. A Humvee packed with pumped-up Rangers opened fire, killing the friendly Afghan and Tillman, though he desperately sought to be recognized.

Later, at least one of the same Rangers turned his guns on a village where witnesses say civilian women and children had gathered. The shooters raked it with fire, the American witnesses said; they wounded two additional fellow Rangers, including their own platoon leader.

---

Had it happened in the United States, police would have quickly cordoned off the area with "crime scene" tape and determined whether a law had been broken.

Instead, the investigations into Tillman's death have cascaded, one after another, for the past 30 months.

For Mary Tillman, getting to the bottom of her son's death is more than a personal quest.

"This isn't just about our son," she said. "It's about holding the military accountable. Finding out what happened to Pat is ultimately going to be important in finding out what happened to other soldiers."

In the days after the shootings, the first officer appointed to investigate, then-Capt. Richard Scott, interviewed all four shooters, their driver, and many others who were there. He concluded within a week that the gunmen demonstrated "gross negligence" and recommended further investigation.

"It could involve some Rangers that could be charged" with a crime, Scott told a superior later.

Then-Lt. Col. Jeffrey Bailey - the battalion commander who oversaw Tillman's platoon - later assured Tillman's family that those responsible would be punished as harshly as possible.

But no one was ever court martialed; staff lawyers advised senior Army commanders reviewing the incident that there was no legal basis for it.

Instead, the Army punished seven people all together; four soldiers received relatively minor punishments known as Article 15s under military law, with no court proceedings. These four ranged from written reprimands to expulsion from the Rangers. One, Baker, had his pay reduced and was effectively forced out of the Army. The other three soldiers received administrative reprimands.

Scott's report circulated briefly among a small corps of high-ranking officers.

Then, it disappeared.

Some of Tillman's relatives think the Army buried the report because its findings were too explosive. Army officials refused to provide a copy to the AP, saying no materials related to the investigation could be released.

The commander of Tillman's 75th Ranger Regiment, then-Col. James C. Nixon, wasn't satisfied with Scott's investigation, which he said focused too heavily on pre-combat inspections and procedures rather than on what had happened.

Scott "made some conclusions in the document that weren't validated by facts" as described by the participants, Nixon would tell later investigators.

Nixon assigned his top aide, Lt. Col. Ralph Kauzlarich, to lead what became the second investigation. Kauzlarich harshly criticized Baker and the men on his truck.

Among other things, Baker should have known that at least two of his subordinates had never been in a firefight, and should have closely supervised where they shot.

"His failure to do so resulted in deaths of Cpl. Tillman and the AMF soldier, and the serious wounding of two other (Rangers)," Kauzlarich concluded. "While a great deal of discretion should be granted to a leader who is making difficult judgments in the heat of combat, the command also has a responsibility to hold its leaders accountable when that judgment is so wanton or poor that it places the lives of other men at risk."

Still, the Tillman family complained that questions remained: Who killed Tillman? Why did they fire? Were the punishments stiff enough?

"I don't think that punishment fit their actions out there in the field," said Kevin Tillman, who was with his brother the day Pat was killed but was several minutes behind him in the trailing element of a convoy and saw nothing.

"They were not inquiring, identifying, engaging (targets). They weren't doing their job as a soldier," he told an investigator. "You have an obligation as a soldier to, you know, do certain things, and just shooting isn't one of your responsibilities. You know, it has to be a known, likely suspect."

And so, in November 2004, acting Army Secretary Les Brownlee ordered up yet another investigation, by Jones.

The result was 2,100 pages of transcripts and detailed descriptions of the incident, but no new charges or punishments. The report, completed Jan. 10, 2005, was provided - with many portions blacked out or removed entirely - to the Tillman family. It has not been released to the public; the family found it wanting.

Pressed anew by the Tillmans, the Pentagon inspector general announced a review of the investigations in August 2005. And in March 2006, they launched a new criminal probe into the actions of the men who shot at Tillman.

---

The veteran Pentagon official who is overseeing these latest inquiries, acting Defense Department Inspector General Thomas Gimble, has called the Tillman probe the toughest case he has ever seen, according to people he recently briefed.

Investigators are looking at who pulled the triggers and fired at Tillman; they are also looking at the officers who pressured the platoon to move through a region with a history of ambushes; the soldiers who burned Tillman's uniform and body armor afterward; and at everyone in the chain of command who deliberately kept the circumstances of Tillman's death from the family for more than a month.

Military investigators under Gimble's direction this year visited the rugged valley in eastern Afghanistan where Tillman was killed. It was a risky trip; the region is even more dangerous today than it was in 2004.

According to one person briefed by investigators, the contingent included at least two soldiers who were there the day of the incident - Staff Sgt. Matthew Weeks, a squad leader who was up the hill from Tillman when he was shot, and the driver of the GMV that carried the Rangers who shot Tillman, Staff Sgt. Kellett Sayre.

When the current inquiry began, the Pentagon projected it would be completed by September 2006. Now Gimble and the Army's Criminal Investigation Command, known as CID, are aiming to finish their work by December, say lawmakers and other officials briefed by Gimble.

CID is probing everything up to and including Tillman's shooting. The inspector general's office itself has a half-dozen investigators researching everything that happened afterward, including allegations of a coverup.

The investigators have taken sworn testimony from about 70 people, some of whom said they were questioned for more than six hours. But Gimble said investigators have been hindered by a failure to locate key witnesses, even some who are still in the active military.

Moreover, those who are now out of the Army, including three of the four shooters, can't be court martialed. They could be charged in the civilian justice system by a U.S. attorney, but such a step would be highly unusual.

The law that allows it, the Military Extraterritorial Jurisdiction Act, has been invoked fewer than a half-dozen times since its enactment in 2000, said Scott Silliman, executive director of Duke Law School's Center on Law, Ethics and National Security and a high-ranking Air Force lawyer until his retirement in 1993.

The investigation, Gimble has said, is also complicated because of "numerous missteps" by the three previous investigators, particularly their failure to follow standards for handling evidence.

Gimble promised lawmakers in a series of briefings this fall that his investigation "will bring all to light." He has committed to releasing his detailed findings to key legislators, Pentagon officials and the Tillman family, as well as a synopsis to the general public, congressional aides said.

Gimble declined an AP request for an interview.

---

To date, a total of seven soldiers have been disciplined in Tillman's death.

Bailey, the 2nd Ranger Battalion commander who was camped out about two miles down the road with another unit the night Tillman died, surveyed the shooting scene hours after it occurred.

"I don't think there was any criminal act," he said. "It was a fratricide based upon a lot of contributing factors, confusion," he testified to an investigator in late 2004.

Some high-ranking officers, including Bailey, believe a lack of control in the field was to blame - starting with the platoon leader and including the soldiers who didn't identify their targets.

Bailey, who approved punishments for several of the soldiers, said he disagreed with the platoon's protests that they were "doing what we asked them to do under some very difficult circumstances, and that there were mistakes made but they weren't negligent mistakes."

He also testified that "three gunners were, to varying degrees, culpable in what had happened out there." And he said he wanted a fourth soldier involved - the squad leader, Baker - "out of the military."

Baker soon left the Army.

As for others involved:

_The three other shooters - Ashpole, Alders and Elliott - remained in the service initially but Elliott and Ashpole have since left. Elliott struck a deal with authorities; in exchange for his testimony to investigator Jones, the Army gave him immunity from prosecution "in any criminal proceedings."

_The platoon leader, Lt. David Uthlaut, was later bumped down from the Rangers to the regular Army for failing to prepare his men prior to the shootings, according to Bailey.

"They didn't do communications checks. They didn't check out their equipment. So they'd been there 24 hours," Bailey testified. "For example, some of the weapons systems weren't even loaded with ammunition. Many of the soldiers didn't know where they were going. They didn't have contingency plans."

A non-commissioned officer on the ground that day, however, testified that the unit carried out required communications checks.

Uthlaut was also wounded by fellow Rangers in the incident. He was awarded the Purple Heart and later promoted to captain.

_Saunders, the company commander, was given the authority to punish three soldiers - even though he himself was reprimanded for his own poor leadership. Both Saunders and Hodne received formal written reprimands for failing to "provide adequate command and control" of subordinate units - administrative punishments lighter than the Article 15s handed down to the soldiers who shot at Tillman. This obviously hasn't hurt Hodne's career; he has since been promoted.

"I thought it was (the commanders') fault, or part of their fault that we were even in this situation, when they're telling us to split up," said Ashpole.

Some lawmakers have warned that if this probe does not clear up all questions on Tillman's death, they may press for congressional hearings. Others have said Congress could call for an independent panel of retired military officers and other experts to conduct an outside probe.

Rep. Mike Honda, a Democrat who represents the San Jose district where Tillman's family lives, has pressed the Pentagon for answers on the status of its investigations.

"I'm very impatient and at times cynical," Honda said. But, he said, the honor of the military - and the confidence of the public in the military and the government - are at stake.

"So if we pursue the truth and wait for it," he said, "it may be worthwhile."

Good things happen in threes, right?

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is stepping down, sources tell CNN.

UPDATE y'all

From 411wrestling.com: As reported earlier in the 411 Music section, Britney Spears has filed for divorce from Kevin Federline. That article is available here.

Several gossip sites are reporting that Spears left Federline days ago after he snapped into a rage, screaming at Spears and destroying property. The reason for the outburst was apparently because Spears laughed at a tape of Federline's WWE appearances.

The news seems to work out well for WWE since Federline will get a lot of publicity from this and is scheduled to continue working with WWE, including a match against John Cena on the 01/01/07 RAW.

Moms always told us Vince McMahon was the devil.

So who'd you vote for?

So for two years now, we've voted in what could be the oldest, whitest polling places in America. We mean, come on, young people. Get out and volunteer at the polls so the guy who asks us for our ID -- or doesn't in this case -- doesn't need a f*cking magnifying glass to see how many f*cking middle names we have. We mean, come o-- WAIT. HOLD UP. WOW. IT'S ABOUT F*CKING TIME. MAYBE SHE GOT OUR MESSAGES AFTER ALL.

So yeah, what were we talking about?

Spinning right 'round baby 'right round like a...

We emailed our good friend Mike about this yesterday because we were too traumatized to post it here. But that was then, and now we get that this is all part of God's good work on this here good planet.

So yesterday morning, we were on our way to work, as usual. We were sipping coffee and maybe singing along with Eagle-Eye Cherry. What. Like you never sang along to "Save Tonight."

"Fight the break of dawn..."

Out of nowhere, a rather large buck darted from what used to be woods and now is a construction site (because Lord knows the country club needs more parking -- it's all part of the plan, though, right?).

So this buck -- let's call him Moncrief -- darted past the northbound lane of the small country road and into the southbound lane. The Camry in front of us slammed on its brakes and, well, boy if the Camry didn't launch Moncrief 20 feet into the air.

And darned if Moncrief didn't fly, twirling like a helicopter, about 25 feet off the road and onto a driveway. And darned if Moncrief didn't bounce off the driveway, land, pick his head up for a moment as if to say, "F*ck," and then look around, as if to say, "F********ck."

Meanwhile, Camry pulled over, windshield destroyed and woman driver dialing her cell for the police. All in a matter of 8 seconds. It was like watching the cows fly by in the Twister. Poor thing.

We're so not loading our rifle, again, when we go buck hunting with the old man's old man in four weeks.

About the Top 5 Halloween costumes we ever wore

5. That Star Wars sand character in 1979. Why be Luke when you can be a Tuscan Raider?

4. Pillsbury Doughboy in 1987. And y'all thought the fat kid issues were a bit.

3. Chimney Sweeper in 1985 and 1986. Because we just wanted to be like Dad, is all. And changing schools, again, meant yay for non-originality.

2. Chick in 1984. Yeah, the thought of a 9-year-old in drag might be a cry for help, but give us a break. Our Dad fell off a roof that day, and as our Mom applied our mascara, we got the call. So yeah, our mascara smeared and our Dad went as a Mummy when our friends came over for treats.

1. (Tie) Superman in 2004 (complete with Clark Kent costume -- boy do we ever still wish we were Clark Kent sometimes). Orgasm Donor in 2005. We thought it was cute. Our lady friends, well, not so much.

GOOD MORNING

And then we grapped the Lactaid Milk, opened the cupboard and, well, sh*t.

Milk doesn't go in the cupboard, silly, the cereal does.

Oops.

We had no idea

It really is a great song, no matter the version.

Our personal favorite is the Dave version with Butch Trucks playing a sweet piano solo. We also did any version Cash did, and we're partial to our own, too.

Huh.

"So do you get calls like this all the time?"

"No, not really."

Rosa is our new best friend. She's friendly and nice and pleasant and not quick to judge us for being the technoligical equivalent of a 2-year-old trying to drive stick.

So we got our brand new state-of-the-art cell last night and boy oh boy were we excited to use it. We have great plans for this phone. Like, when it rings, Kris Kross will make us JUMP JUMP. And like, when we want to take a photograph, we can take a photograph with this new polaroid camera.

And even send it places!

So we were all excited.

And then we ran into trouble.

First, we wanted to move all our numbers from the ol' piece o' sh*t car to the new Mercedes. But oh with the drama. Stupid OMS opted to save all his digits on the old SIM card and not the new one.

See, putting the old SIM card, you know, the one that's somewhat rusted and says MA BELL on it, in the new phone is a no-no. So we done f*cked up all the features of our new steak sirloin by using said old card.

No texting. No photographs. No JUMP JUMP.

So we called Cingular last night.

At 12:30 a.m.

With other services, like the Dell, some nice man named Richard who mysteriously says he's from Texas yet has a unique accent that sounds somewhat Indian, is there to help us. Not the Cingular. At 12:30, their offices are closed.

Oh no!

So we patiently waited to call this morning. And we got through. To Rosa.

"Someone deleted all your account information from your phone on the 26th," she said, pleasant as pie (seriously -- she might have been the nicest customer service rep ever).

That's impossible, we said. We ordered our new pearly gates of heaven on the 27th. The 26th was a -- well, wait. We're looking at the November calendar. Oopsies. Yes. the 26th was yesterday and wait, did we delete everything by using the wrong fandangled SIM card?

"Yes, sir," Rosa said. "You did."

So this must happen a lot, right? Like, we're not an idiot?

"Well, I don't get a lot of calls like this," she said. "But you're fine. I'll help you through this."

So boy did we ever learn our lesson about our new MTV Video Music Award. Don't f*ck with the old SIM cards, and don't be, well, stupid.

We're all set now, thanks to Rosa.

The Daddy Mac even made us jump. Whew.

Sometimes we think about eating

What. Just saying.

"We're going to lose our souls! We're going to lose our souls! We're going to lose our souls!"

So in our dream we strike a deal with the Wicked Witch of the West in order to have fun at a high school reunion. The trick is we have to meet with the Witch at 6:45, as a class, so we don't lose our souls. But ahhh, the hilarity.

At 6, the entire class is in the pool engaged in good times. By 6:30, we're dancing and singing and pegging fellow classmates in the nuts with Nerf footballs. At 6:45, the pool, and the class, vanish.

We realize what's happening, and we calmly panic and run to a nearby picnic table screaming, "We're going to lose our souls! We're going to lose our souls!"

At the table, our parents and kid sis are eating, surrounded by our eight or so good friends we see all the time around town these days. "We're going to lose our souls!" we scream.

"Why don't you sit down and eat with us?" the family asks. Our mom is eating a crab pita.

And then we wake up, singing "Poor Unfortunate Soul" from the Li'l Mermaid.

But HAH! We have it figured out, this dream.

See, we watched Li'l Mermaid Saturday night after the lovely ladies picked us up from the bar. We set our alarm clock for 6:45 this morning last night, fresh off watching the first half of Monday Night Football with eight or so friends at our favorite watering hole.

We received an invite to a recital from a high school friend last night, right before we went to bed.

Our mom always eats healthy.

And we're slowly losing our soul every time we get up and prep for the worst commute ever.

Aha! But the Witch, you ask? For some reason yesterday afternoon, we were researching the Wizard of Oz. Did the midget really hang himself or what?

There. But all those key facts together and VOILA, technicolor dreaming.

And insight into the Ol' Man.

We know y'all were wondering.

Wow. We thought Philly fans were awful.

Overheard in the bathroom in our favorite li'l bar when the Giants were actually, you know, winning the big game against the Cowboys and that #81 fellow: "It's just that this f*ckin' sucks, you know? The Giants control the entire f*ckin' half and then boom, they let the f*ckin' Cowboys back in the f*ckin' game. One more touchdown and it's f*ckin' over for them. They f*ckin' suck."

Yeah. It was 12-7. Jesus, Big Blue, relax.

Why we tend to never get our hopes up about anything in particular, in a nutshell

From philly.com tonight: Four Eagles turnovers, poor decision-making at the end of the first half and another stupid defensive penalty wiped out statistical domination by the Birds. Philadelphia (4-3) outgained Tampa Bay (2-4) by a staggering 506 yards to 196, but lost.

Remarkably, all three Eagles losses this season have been decided on the last play of the game.

"Four turnovers is too many turnovers against a good football team," Eagles coach Andy Reid said. "We've got to do a better job on that."

And did Donovan hurl something other than three INTs and TDs *during* the game? Jesus, man, pull yourself together.

We're f*cked*

* So this is why we get the cold sores every now and again.

From the Men's Health: What Makes Our Tension Levels Rise:

1. Overbearing boss (+114 percent).
2. Drinking coffee (+32 percent).
3. A tight deadline (+45 percent).
4. Your commute (+80 percent).
5. Late nights at the office (+270 percent).

Sheeeeeeeeeit. We're like Jeter in game one against the Tigers this year with this sh*t. So let's see. That means our daily tension levels are, like, a lot and stuff.

How do we release it? Well, the magazine says run on the treadmill, be happily married, have sex, watch a comedy, meditate and listen to our favorite music.

Is this place not called heaven, save, well, you know?

Overheard on a prestigious college campus recently

"Yeah, dude. I'm like a total stoner."

File this under things that certainly make us stop with the channel surfing

Um. Yeah. Born a what, now?

"Just do your thing, man."

Paris was the coolest cat in the room when Dov's Our Side Project used to jam in Phillytowne.

Why we might be done with wrestling, really, and this time we mean it. Really. For real.

From wwe.com this morning: Steve-O of Jackass was just one of many Hollywood A-listers at the RAW/SmackDown Supershow.

Hollywood A-lister Steve-O? Guess who else showed up with is A-listing self? Oof. Good thing the Six Feet Under is on Mondays at 9 p.m. now on Bravo. We need to replaced a decade of lost hours watching Monday Night Raw.

Stat.

"That's the first black lady I ever spoke to."

Said by a li'l fella outside the Sheraton in Atlantic City earlier today.

His mom's response? "Well, she was a nice one, wasn't she."

Um. Yeah. A nice one? Jesus.

And now presenting the stupidest f*cking thing we've heard all week -- month, even. Ech.

*Cue DRAMATIC music*

ABC Voiceover Guy: MEL GIBSON (dramatic pause). DIANE SAWYER (dramatic pause, intertwined with intriguing conga drums). THE INTERVIEW. TOMORROW. ON GOOD MORNING, AMERICA.

Because it's all about you

From Reuters/Yahoo: Actor Alec Baldwin tries to pass a police cordon near the site where a small aircraft crashed into a high-rise building in New York, October 11, 2006. (Photo by Chip East)

This ranks right up there with the report that a guy wanted to get back in the building yesterday to check on his dog. On the 8th floor.

Meanwhile, Cory Lidle's wife and son were flying cross country to LA at the time of the accident. Huh. Self-important blowhard actor. Dog-owning worry wart. Brand new widow.

God we want to punch the world in the face sometimes.

BLAMMOS!

Where do we even begin

So in our dream last night, we're a teaching aide in a kindergarten class.

We're reading a Dr. Seuss book to our part of the class when cute li'l Amanda hauls off and side kicks us in the nuts. Luckily, we caught the movement to the left of us just in time to avoid a direct blow.

But an indirect blow to the nuts is still a direct blow, no?

So we hobbled to the teacher in the other room and tattled on li'l Amanda. We demanded she get a talking to, but the teacher said all we could do was send her home. We demanded, then, to give her parents a piece of our mind.

"We're going to give your parents a piece of our mind," we told her, grimacing in pain.

She laughed. And then we woke up.

Why we like the AP's Kathy Willens

Here's Alex Rodriguez failing again in the playoffs. This is moments after striking out with the bases loaded in the first inning with two outs Thursday afternoon.

This is why we blame Mr. Rodriguez, and Mr. Rodriguez alone, for the Yankees ouster Saturday night.

This is also we love us some Ms. Willens and her AP photos. What a great shot of such a mess of a ballplayer.

Man we hate us some Alex Rodriguez.

Presenting our Top 5 lines of the week

YAY! We're back you no-commenting motherf*ckers! We mean, um, we're well-rested and know y'all have so much to do and you come here to quietly stalk the funny. So we're back! YAY!

What better way to come back strong than with our favorite quotes of the week! Yay for hilarity and exclamation points!

5. Nice Lady as the park, noticing our "Future Ex-Husband" T-shirt today: "Huh. I should've gotten my brother that shirt. Now it's too late and it's more like present."

4. The Old Man's old man, while building sh*t with OMS on Saturday: "I need to find a stud."

3. We work in the news business, sort of. This, from one of our secretaries on Monday: "Do you, um, well, do you like need follow the news like, when it happens? Like, do you need to know about things like school shootings 'cause there was, um, one in the Amish part of Pennsylvania?"

2. The Old Man's old man, still building sh*t with OMS yesterday: "So the steps will come out 88 1/4 inches from the landing, but we need to raise the landing by 1 1/16 inches and then we need another 5/16 of room for the joist and after than we're going to need 7 1/3 inches between each step. Follow?"

1. And finally, the lovely ladies last night at dinner: "So yeah, Joe doesn't, well, take care of himself down there. All we ask is you take care of your stuff. And if you expect us to take care of our stuff, and we do, just, you know, take care of yours. Don't not do it. It's gross."

Gone Fishin'

We're taking a vacation from this here bloggin' here. Sure, we could bitch about shootings and pages and Eagles, oh my, but, well, we need to recharge a bit.

Adios, amigos. We should be back Saturday with jokes galore, and a round-up on how to build steps with the old man's old man. And won't that be a hoot.

Ahhhhh, perspective

Chiggity check it. Yo. That sun could eat us, yo.

And while we're at it, um, Mr. Rogers, um, well, we wish it were this simple still. We also kind of wish the kid would have swatted your hand away when you senselessly started touching buttons and asking the quarter guy to show what's on the inside of this new fandangled "video game."

"Down's not really used in this game," the dorky kid who might as well have been us in 1982 said.

Translated: "Stupid crazy curmudgeon. This sh*t be ruining kids in 20 years when I can shoot you vice squad-style and not use a f*cking hammer because I'm a carpenter. Now gets-a-steppin' so I can whoop up on this donkey, son."

Meanwhile, back in reality

Trust us. We're wicked good at reigning in hopes because of things like this.

Good teams tell adversity to f*ck off and then they go win. The Phillies, collectively, choose instead to wear why-us faces and lose big games. They get screwed legitimately (Chase Utley's home run Tuesday night was called foul even though it hit the foul pole, thus making it fair), but *everyone* gets screwed once in awhile.

They also had to wait more than four hours to play their must-win game last night because God forbid Major League Baseball actually readjust the schedule for things beyond anyone's control.

But if you think we're making excuses for the "Fightin's," yeah, no. We're not.

We're officially rooting for the Pedro-less Mets to face the Didn't-have-Matsui-or-Sheffield-or-any-good-pitcher-except-Wang-all-year Yankees to face each other in the World Series. Yay for over-hyped Subway Series, um, es, Serieses, Seriesesesses -- yay for another Subway Series!

The Phils are down two games in the Wild Card with three left to play. The Dodgers are red hot and the Phils' bats are flat, flat, flattaly flat.

Ech. Again. They lost the Wild Card by one game last year, too. Way to finish strong, fellas.

A Day in the Life of a Nashville Star Tryer-Outer

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HEY! Send good karma! Thanks! Wheeee!

Not so much with the throwing up in our mouths yet, but wish us luck, y'all.

We should have fantastic material this time tomorrow. Either that or we'll be really, really drunk.

Foshizzle Nashvizzledizzle.

The caption says it all

From the CNN: The key conclusions of a document assessing the state of global terrorism were declassified Tuesday. One assessment is the war in Iraq is shaping a new generation of terror leaders. Bush suggested parts of the report were originally leaked for political purposes, and that media accounts were meant to confuse Americans.

Really? That's why the report was leaked? Not so people can make up they're own minds? "Create confusion in the minds of the American people." He actually said this.

Ew.

The worst part about panic practicing after 11

BAM BAM BAM BAMBAMBAM.

Right, then. Time to put the geetar down. But seriously? The f*cking fat old guy downstairs, always with the loud TV that guy. So the neighbor next door pounds on the wall just 'cause we're strummin'?

Neighbor next door, we can't wait to slam our closet door bright in early in about six hours. Huh. That'll learn ya.

BAM BAM BAM BAMBAMBAM. Some people with the no consideration for others. Sheesh.

Hey. Waitaminute. But, well, we. Wait.

OMS: Hey, man. What's up?
GUY WALKING BY OMS AT WORK: Yo. Is it me or are you losing mad weight?
OMS: ...

We lasted 30 seconds once

So we've been quiet about this for awhile -- sheepish, even.

But Thursday we have this plan. It entails getting on a 5:30 a.m. train into the city and taking a cab to the Rodeo Bar and standing in line not pimping our music myspace page while we try just to breathe and not, to use an overused phrase lately, throw up just a li'l bit in our mouth.

It means not chickening out and breathing some more and maybe even becoming caffeinated shmoozer guy, since Guinness shmoozer guy doesn't really translate into good performing smooth voice guy.

It means playing 30 seconds of "Leave the Pieces" if we even get in the doors and sign up by 2 p.m. It means we hope we don't do our standard ultranervous talker guy thing. If we utter the words, "this reminds (us) of a joke," it's so over.

It means if we bomb horribly we've been prepared for years if only because of the horrific eighth-grade fat failure elections when we lost president to Amanda Goodwin, veep to Gen Jones, treasurer to Nick Clements and then won the pity vote for class secretary/bitch.

But we digress.

It means we so don't want to be all American Idol look at us guy. It means we simply want an incentive to actually move to Nashville and maybe do something besides wear a suit everyday and rue the commute to work. Not that we don't look good in a suit. We just prefer cowboy boots and ripped jeans and a geetar and a beer. And a sign that there's more out there.

There's more out there, right?

So yeah, we're going to tryout for the Nashville Star on Thursday. Our goal is to actually get the opportunity to perform the 30-second song and to get called back the next day, which makes us panic even more because we haven't even remotely begun rehearsing for day two.

In the event the stars align and everyone else either dies or loses their voices, we're pledging here to our fives of loyal readers that if we ever do make it to the Nashville Star, the following Q and A, from the Nashville Star page, will appear beneath our name filled out *exactly* as follows (scout's honor):

FUN FACTS ON OLD MAN SNAP
What celebrity do people say you look like?
The fat kid in the Stand By Me, then more than now.

What's on your playlist?
You mean the iTunes? Sh*t. A lot. We're listening to Cortez the Killer for the 19th time in two days right now. We also love the Pac. And Biggie. David Gray. Counting Crows. The Band. Cash. Dylan. Willie. Miranda Lambert. The Dead. REM. Little Feat. We interviewed Huey Lewis once. Huey Lewis f*cking rules.

The craziest or most daring thing I have ever done...
We pushed our baby sister over when we found out she was about to walk before we did at her age. What. We were 13 and she was an easy target.

What three things couldn't you live without?
Family. Friends. Our geetar, which just barely beats out our Guinness.

What is the worst job you've ever had?
Working in the physical plant in college. Something about Winstons and beer breath berations. "We don't pay you here, son, to flirt with the pretty girls while you's rakin' the leaves." Not good times.

What is your favorite video game or board game?
Clue. Mr. Body's body. It's gone.

What is your astrological sign?
Pisces. WHAT.

What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Seriously? Phish Food.

Hobbies outside of music?
Runnin' with the fellas. You know how we do.