Story: Miss USA Says She Dabbled in Cocaine

OMS: Nice.

My friends are cooler than me, er, you.

OMS always viewed himself more Patrick Dempsey/Richard Gere-like anyway.

Just sayin'.

Thanks to Fark for this one

Admit it. You so wish this were you and you were rockin' the spin moves.

First the 90210 and Melrose obsessions. Then the growing one's hair out. Then the whole maybe I should buy this nice sweater vest.

Then there was the whole working out to Rump Shaker tonight.

Huh. It recently dawned on your favorite hip blogger that he may just be trying to bring back the '90s.

Please tell my why my car is in the frontyard and I'm sleeping with my clothes on, indeed.

Ol' Dubbya is practically handing over the keys to the whole shebang, and *she's* a favorite and a serious candidate?

That's it. Canadia. Once and for all.

Oh that Billy

So Billy is all Alison look I have a cab now best job ever and Alison is all I don't have to sue the guy for sexual harassment afterall because the other broad pressed charges and Billy is all yay let's paint later and Alison is all okay I'll smile quietly because my God Billy is hot as balls and meanwhile Jake is all I need my welfare check and bald-mullet state worker I only care about what's in my contract guy is all I'm playing the part dead-on and no Jake back of the line you go for being a rabble-rouser and Jake is all give that lady her check so what if she hasn't been in a place for two weeks rules suck and state worker guy is all take your business elsewhere punk and Jake is all BANG KAPOW WHAMMO and state worker guy is all OW and OH MY GOD KELLY TAYLOR is all Jake what's going on here and Jake is all leave me alone you rich teen busy body and Kelly is all I have money and I'll spring my bad boy from jail and meanwhile Billy is all hey you're cute in the back of my cab and patron with awful hair is all wow thanks you look like Bruce Springsteen and Billy is all I saw him in concert once and she was all ME TOO OH MY GOD WE COULD HAVE DANCED TOGETHER and Billy is all CAB OFF-DUTY and Alison is all I brought paint wait who's the bimbo in our apartment that we share platonically and Billy is all oh this is Marcy we met in the cab and Alison is all Jesus why am I feeling jealous about my hot platonic friend Billy with great hair and Billy is all sorry Alison we'll take this to the bedroom and Alison is all OK I'll paint but the more you moan and giggle in there the redder I turn and maybe I'll just take a li'l listen.

And then Michael and Jane are all we have problems with our relationship and Jane is all we have to discuss our disconnect and knock knock Alison is all can I crash here Billy and Marcy are driving me nuts with their non-stop canoodling.

Required viewing

For once, TV news got it right.

Excuse me while I go punch someone in the face, just as soon as I get the vomit out of my mouth, and just as soon as I wipe the tear off my cheek, and just as soon as I stop wondering when Ivan will end up dead on a corner, and just as soon as I stop contemplating how one-third of the teens in the city were arrested last year, and just as soon as I stop thinking about how the city is not even a half-hour away from some of the richest people in the country, and just as soon as I stop wondering if I'll ever go to the Waterfront again for a show, knowing a dream is getting snuffed out around the corner and no one apparently gives a f*ck.

"Don't fall or you'll get stuck on the needles."

Jesus f*cking Christ, Jersey.

This just about sums it up

OMS has a new favorite singer

Angela Hacker. I'll explain later. There's just something about a singer who feels it so much he/she can't help but grit teeth and grimace while feeling it -- really feeling it.

And this isn't even the Bonnie Rait cover she did tonight.

20 minutes later...

Finally. Terrorists. He said it. OK. Now, goodnight.

But remember when every other word was terrorist and we were on red all the damn time? Exactly.

9:09 and the first "Oh Jesus Christ" has already been yelled

A couple of quick thoughts about the President's big ol' speech over there.

1. Charlie Gibson sounds like a nice fella. I do miss Peter Jennings. Don't we all?

2. What's up with Stepanopo -- Stefanapo -- George's huge mic?

3. Who the f*ck does the backwards shake with the left hand? Please, Mr. President, just do the regular right-handed firm handshake. Backwards left-handed handshakes suck and no one likes people who do them. No one.

4. Who yelled "WOOOOOOOOOO" when the president was first introduced? Ew.

5. What's up with the sustained applause?

6. Is Nancy Pelosi a MILF?

7. The right of custom blah blah blah courage is needed blah blah blah we must have the will to face difficult challenges blah blah blah something about enemies blah blah blah blah blah blah to solve problems not leave them for future generations.

Wait. What? I thought that's all this administration was about, this leaving problems for future generations. And how come he hasn't mentioned terrrrrrists yet?

Alright, here endeth the Porch and the Parking Lot's non-award winning coverage of the president's State of the Union speech. Something about needing to turn the TV off before the throwing up in the mouth begins. Again.

Good night. And good luck.

Today in Wrestling History

This might've been the first time OMS ever legdropped a pillow and posed shirtless in his nan's kitchen, soaking in the cheers and adulation.

From the Wikipedia: By 1983, Vince K. McMahon had bought the World Wrestling Federation from his father, with a goal of turning the WWF into a nationwide company, using Hogan's charisma and name recognition as the top draw.

Hogan made a dramatic return to the WWF at a TV taping on January 3, 1984, saving Bob Backlund from a three-on-one assault. Hogan's turn was explained simply by Backlund: "He's changed his ways. He's a great man. He's told me he's not gonna have Blassie around."

The storyline shortcut was necessary, because less than three weeks later, on January 23, Hogan won the WWF Championship, pinning The Iron Sheik in New York's Madison Square Garden. The storyline accompanying this significant victory was that Hogan was a "last minute" replacement for the Sheik's original opponent, and became the champion on this storied night by way of being the first man to escape the camel clutch (the Iron Sheik's signature move).

This title victory caused "Hulkamania" to sweep the WWF, as Hogan's popularity soared. He would frequently refer to his fans as "Hulkamaniacs" in his interviews, and would go on to introduce his three "demandments": training, saying your prayers, and eating your vitamins.

"Yes. So do I. It's brilliant, Linda."

Extras. Sundays on the HBO. And every day this week, so far, on the On Demand.

WHO DAT SAY GONNA BEAT DEM SAINTS?

Um, Bears did. Bears did.

Good news: Awful coughing cold is almost gone. Bad news: Vacation is now... over.

Damnit. It was just getting relaxing around here.

More later.

Until then? Yup. HAIKU!

Honey Nut Cheerie
OH! How I love them so yes
Milk in fridge I know.

Best Philly announment in quite some time. Seriously.

From philly.com* this afternoon: The Phillies announed this morning that they have signed second baseman Chase Utley to a seven-year, $85 million contract extension that will keep him with the team through 2013.

Now, about that Howard fellow...

*Remind me to write my doctorate on the downfall of journalism on accunt of te simpest of thigs. Yu figue it ot.

Meanwhile, back in aisle 7 looking for soup...

Woman who looks uncomfortably like Donald Trump: (Pushes full cart in front of her) Do you need any help, young man?

OMS: (Looking for soup) Um, no. No, thank you. I'm OK. Thanks.

WWLULDT: OK, then.

Proof that neither the Ol' Man nor the Ol' Man's friends has *that* bad a problem

From the Intervention program. Christy is nuts, dude.

And he's back! And well-rested!* And ready to cynacize! And wait. Lohan's in rehab and Obama's running? Sweet.

*Sick and miserable, and awake at 4:30 watching My So-Called Life reruns on the Nagano channel. Christ, Angela. Just go to the f*cking concert and stop mocking the priviledge Ricky and the others don't have.

GONE SKIIN'

But not so much with the ski part.

HEY! Haiku time in honor of leaving for Vermont!

Oh nature beauty
Not putting on skis um no
Pass the wine and cheese.

OR

YAY ROAD TRIP IPOD!
More Stones More Otis More Cash!
More JT? Sheeeeeeit.

OR

Vacation needed
Seven hour car friends huh
Ease up off me girl.

OR

Be back by mid-week
Worst commenters ever, you
Drives me crazy yes.

Whatever happened to eating more pasta?

Yes. Not letting it go.

From the CNNSI:"There are so many substances out there right now you don't know what you should take or what you should not," Giants shortstop Omar Vizquel said Thursday. "Right now, I'm afraid to take vitamins for the same reason. You don't know what's going to be positive or what's going to be negative. The best way for players is to stay natural. Anything with chemicals in it can be bad. I know what I do. I don't know what the other guys do, and I don't really care.

Um. Yes. Don't inject, ingest or inhale. Drink your milk. Eat bananas or some sh*t. Eat vegetables and try to hit the little ball really, really far. God speed, athletes. You can do it if you put your mind to it and try really hard. Give it 110 percent, even.

Now run along and sit on your stacks of millions.

So there that is, again

From the New York Daily News:

Barry Bonds, already under investigation for lying under oath about his steroid use, failed a test under Major League Baseball's amphetamine policy last season and then initially blamed it on a teammate, the Daily News has learned.

Under the policy, which went into effect only last season, players are not publicly identified for a first positive test.

But according to several sources, when first informed by the MLB Players Association of the positive test, Bonds attributed it to a substance he had taken from the locker of teammate Mark Sweeney. Sources did not identify the drug in question but characterized it as a serious stimulant.

When asked last night whether Bonds had an explanation for why he failed the test or if he wanted to issue a denial, Bonds' agent, Jeff Borris, said, "I have no comment on that."

I'm not here to talk about the past, but I have to say, all these years and I never realized that Guinness was a beer, and furthermore, it's not my fault that I drank it in the first place. MJ said I should try it as we sat in a dive bar in the middle of nowhere 10 years ago.

Not even the waitress knew what it was. She insisted on calling it a Guinness DROUGHT instead of DRAFT. But I digress. It's MJ's fault.

I'm innocent and have no further comment. But you all can write what you want because that's how you do anyway.

Wait. It wasn't a compliment?

"So you'll be non-skiing at the ski lodge guitar guy," she said. "There's something so sad about that."

And now back to a fun game of "People ask me all the damn time but not really..."

People ask me all the damn time but not really how I feel about changing in front of the guy in the gym locker room who easily outweighs me by 150 pounds, takes up the entire corner of the locker room area and sits behind me on the bench, lower hairy back glaring at me, Jockey underpants straining to breathe between his unfortunate back fat and ass.

I hate it.

Let the record reflect I have nothing against unfortunate back fat. My man is at the gym doin' right by himself. It's just, well, the proximity. And more with the lower hairy back saying hi and the Jockey underpants.

Ew. Underpants.

And don't get me started on the flapper heading into the showers tonight, sans towel and well, flapping.

Just sayin'

(Photo by Doug Benc, Getty Images).

Tony Bad-Holdo. Wait. No. That's not it. Tony T.O.-Blowso. Nope. Sh*t. Tony Not Getting Laido. Huh. Maybe. Tony Oopso?

What. Nothin'?

Fingers are crossed for tomorrow. Really, really crossed. Like, really, really, really crossed.

(Photo credit: Getty Images).

Calling out Kelly Taylor: You, miss, were the definition of a *drama queen*. Sheesh.

From the Wikipedia. You'd think after the second travesty she would've moved to Pittsburgh or some sh*t:

Kelly Taylor: Brenda and Donna's best friend; Romantically linked to Steve, Brandon, Colin, Dylan, and later Matt and at the final show again: Dylan; Mother suffered from cocaine and alcohol abuse; Became David's stepsister; Had cocaine and pill problems; Was shot in a robbery at LAX and subsequently got amnesia; Was raped in an alley when attempting to locate Dylan; Was brainwashed and ended up joining a cult under the direction of a rogue university professor; Was severely burned during a fire that broke out at a house party filled with lesbians; Became pregnant, but had a miscarriage because of a condition with her body, Was on show for its entire 10-year run.

Holy sh*t.

This really happened.

In a statement, Willie told CNN, "I am deeply saddened that a few of my co-workers have chosen to publicly air allegations of racism which they know to be false."

Willie's attorney, Richard Gertler, says his client's comment had no racial intent.

"He was saying it tongue in cheek. It's taken out of context," said Gertler.

Wow.

Let's just call this YouTube Week and pretend it's ought-six. 'Twas a good year.

This is too good to pass up, though. And damn skippy you ain't showin' my girl gettin' f*cked up all up in that taser. Daggumit she belongs in the ring.

She was much, much better in Unfaithful. And he was much, much better in Eddie and the Cruisers. And Christ, the YouTube has *everything*

I totally rocked out to the soundtrack tonight, paying bills and maybe humming along. Maybe. Um. Yeah.

But wait! Hey! Want more? Need more? (Now with kick-ass subtitles!)

What not to do, not never, not ever

Is this fake fake fakety-fake? Huh. Note to self...

Pat who, now?

From the AP:

In what has become an annual tradition of prognostications, religious broadcaster Pat Robertson predicted Tuesday that a terrorist attack on the United States would result in "mass killing" late in 2007.

"I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear," he said during his news-and-talk television show "The 700 Club" on the Christian Broadcasting Network. "The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that."

Robertson said God told him during a recent prayer retreat that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September.

Robertson said God also told him that the U.S. only feigns friendship with Israel and that U.S. policies are pushing Israel toward "national suicide."

Who the f*ck is Pat Robertson? This guy sounds like a tool. And the Lord speaks to *him*? Huh.

I predict the best year ever for everyone. I didn't ask the Lord because I figure he/she's kind of busy not talking to arrogant psychopaths. Not that Old Man Snap is, well, nevermind.

But Mo Cheeks won a championship and helped that li'l girl in Portland.

See, I was with him right up until I read this and noticed the Sixers beat the Nuggets tonight in Denver, which is kind of funny.

From the AP. Ugh:

Allen Iverson didn't wait for tip-off to start taking shots against his former team.

Iverson leveled a new round of criticism at the Philadelphia 76ers on Tuesday, hours before he faced them for the first time since his blockbuster trade to Denver two weeks ago.

Iverson said he felt a player of his stature and tenure should have been listened to when he criticized the Sixers' style of play last month, a condemnation that led to his departure from Philadelphia after 10 tumultuous seasons.

"Just to hear me out. I think any coach would, and any organization would," Iverson said. "... When you're losing basketball games, 12 of 14, 18 of 20 basketball games, you should listen to somebody because something obviously isn't working."

Iverson said that he didn't think moving Sixers' swingman Andre Iguodala to point guard was very wise.

"I thought Andre's playing the point guard position wasn't the right move for us and that team that we had. They wanted to do that and I didn't feel like that was helping us win. We were losing basketball games," Iverson said. "Andre Miller is a better fit at point guard for that team. He was put directly into that position. They felt I couldn't get that job done there. But I'm pretty sure I can get it done here."

Iverson said he wouldn't greet Sixers coach Maurice Cheeks before or after the game at the Pepsi Center, either.

"I don't feel like I have a need to. It is something that I don't want to do. For what?" Iverson said. "I don't have no beef with him. I don't feel it is necessary for me to go out of my way to speak to anybody. The trade is done. But things still linger.

"I still feel bitter about the way things happen. It didn't have to happen like that and I think I deserve a lot more respect than what I got. Those people had the chance to give me the respect I deserved and they weren't willing to do that. So why I should I try to give any respect back?"

Iverson said he hadn't spoken with Cheeks since he was traded to the Nuggets for Miller, Joe Smith and two 2007 first-round picks. The Nuggets also got Ivan McFarlin, who was waived.

"I haven't anything to say to Mo," Iverson said. "Or to my teammates. I miss them. I never had any problem with any of those guys. None of them on the whole roster. ... I never expected Billy (King, the Sixers' team president) to let it happen the way it happened. I never expected Mo to let it happen."

Jesus f*cking Christ. Can anyone do anything right anymore? Two days in and OMS is ready to quit. Again. F*ck.

My bad on the whole Dick Clark thing.

Better late, than, um, never

Funny comedian James Norton had the best line on this earlier today.

"One million people are strongly disagreeing with you, Dick."