Stop the presses

What the f*ck?

"The tomkitten has arrived." Nine months and that's the best you got? Are you sh*tting us? *That's* the lede?

Jesus f*cking f*ck f*ck F*CK. This is why people don't read newspapers. Nevermind the obvious questions of whether she really was preggers, or if TomCouch (see? that's a play on words, b*tches) is TomGay.

Tomkitten.

F*ck.

How about some originality? Here, we'll do it:

She had her at silence, because, well, you know how they're scientologists and can't make a peep and what not while giving birth, and, well, you know, Cruise was in that agent football movie and he had her at, well, hello but they can't talk, we mean, they could hold up cue cards but that doesn't count, so she had her at silence. With, actually. She had her with silence.

There. Much better.