Meanwhile, back in Vegas...

Well, not to give ourselves props or anything, but we did kind of email our good best friend Mike about this earlier today:

Well, Trishelle's had a lot of c*ck, so that explains that. Frank looks like he's been hanging out in Lewisburg, and man what (we) would do to Brynn, then and now.

Can't One Trillion Closeted American Porn Fans ("Honey, the file marked 'work' is for work") unite and do something about this? Cheese and crackers...

Jenna. Posing. And slowly dying, apparently. Man.

We've Got Dreams. Dreams to Remember.

So there we were, on stage and happy with the ol' geetar and our so BFF Dave rockin' out at the first bar we ever played. We rifled through the set. We introduced the band, which is always funny because there's only two of us.

And then it happened.

"And I'm, well, I'm the sorta singer," we blurted out, inner turmoil unleashed for all to see. Then Dave started playing a song we'd never heard before, then we couldn't decide what to play next, then a large black woman came up to the stage and told us to watch her purse.

Then the lights came up, and we lobbied for one more song. Then we played the one more song, but with the lights on and most of the bar walking on the stage as if we weren't even there.

And then it was 6:45 a.m. and we were definitely awake, remembering the dream we had about draining our first six foul shots in a row, and then missing the next four.

Don't even bother. We already have them figured out.

Oh for the days of Winona Ryder dreams.

And now back to another fun game of guess who said it?

And no using the Google either, cheaters. You guess who said it, and we buy you a beer next time we see you. Maybe. And you have to guess all of them, and get all of them right. Tight budget these days and what not. And they're all from songs. Good luck, God speed, and don't forget to not drink and drive on Memorial Day weekend.

1. "Whatchoo gonna do? You really don't know. So I'd advise you not to trust that ho."

2. "See for me that her hair's hangin' down. That's the way I remember her best."

3. "If my baby don't love me no more, I know her sister will."

4. "This ain't a scene, it's a goddamn arms race."

5. "I am walking out in the rain and I am listening to the long moan of the dial tone again."

Fun, right?

We didn't even get into the misheard lyrics post we've been meaning to do for years now. Example?

1. "You are the woman that I've always dreamed of. I knew it from the start. I saw your face and that's the last I've seen of my eyeball."

Four thoughts we thought we'd never have in a row. Like. Never ever in a row. Ever.

1. Seriously? A Beatles medley on the American Idol?
2. What the f*ck? Why are we watching the American Idol?
3. Is that Joe Perry on the American Idol?
4. And David Alan Grier? Jesus.

Perhaps the single funniest email exchange between a man and a woman we've (yes, we're back to first-person plural) ever read

Please read from the bottom. And thanks, Emjay, for sharing. Oh what a hoot.

From: Woman
Sent: Wednesday, May 23, 2007 3:09 PM
To: Man
Subject: RE: errands
nah, bitch would freak her out more. it's a cuss word.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Man
Sent: Wednesday, May 23, 2007 3:06 PM
To: Woman
Subject: RE: errands

Oh, you went easy on this one. You could've said "gay whore."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Woman
Sent: Wednesday, May 23, 2007 3:05 PM
To: Man
Subject: RE: errands

I really like this dress! It's a pretty color! Rosie is such a bitch! Wow, did I really say bitch!

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From: Man
Sent: Wednesday, May 23, 2007 3:04 PM
To: Woman
Subject: RE: errands

The Democrats hate our freedom! When the Rapture comes, I will no longer have to put up with Rosie O'Donnell! My hair looks fabulous today!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Woman
Sent: Wednesday, May 23, 2007 3:01 PM
To: Man
Subject: RE: errands

I love President Bush! You can't hate the war and support the troops! Al Qaida is so in Iraq!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Man
Sent: Wednesday, May 23, 2007 2:59 PM
To: Woman
Subject: RE: errands

My views are the right ones! My buttons are easily pushed! I am perhaps not likely to contribute much to the world at all! My husband's father is largely responsible for my career!

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From: Woman
Sent: Wednesday, May 23, 2007 2:55 PM
To: Man
Subject: RE: errands

My husband is not as famous as his brother! Why is Rosie so mean to me! Why does everyone think I'm dumb! What's that on my Louboutin!(?)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Man
Sent: Wednesday, May 23, 2007 2:52 PM
To: Woman
Subject: RE: errands

Exactly! So well said! I don't understand why the Muslims think we're against them! The Iraqis will come around soon enough! Gays are inferior, but I like their shiny bracelets! Sometimes I cry myself to sleep and I don't know why!

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From: Woman
Sent: Wednesday, May 23, 2007 2:49 PM
To: Man
Subject: RE: errands

you went blond when you were 16! you like roberto cavalli, but you can't square the low necklines with your chastity! you don't understand how people can be unhappy in a world that's so for them!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Man
Sent: Wednesday, May 23, 2007 2:47 PM
To: Woman
Subject: RE: errands

I do! Creationism is a real thing! The U.S. is good for the whole world! My husband plays third-string for the Jets (Giants?) and I love him! I got a pony when I was 12!

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From: Woman
Sent: Wednesday, May 23, 2007 2:45 PM
To: Man
Subject: RE: errands

you sound like elizabeth hasselbeck!

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From: Man
Sent: Wednesday, May 23, 2007 2:44 PM
To: Woman
Subject: errands

I am 10 minutes away from asking one of these interns to go to Cat's Corner and pick me up a large bowl of chili, some water and a side of tortilla chips. "If there's key lime pie, get that, too," I'd say. I wish I were kidding about this.

Ohno? Ohyes!

(Photo by Getty Images).

So Apolo Anton Ohno and Julianne Hough won the Dancing with the Stars last night and OMS couldn't be more pleased (told you today is a new day). Hough is only 18 and haaaaaaaaawt (OMS honestly thought she was 24ish, oops with the haaaaaaaawt) and Ohno was simply a joy to watch as he traded his ice skates for two steps.

Wait. Hold the f*ck up.

Blogging about ballroom dancing? Sheeeeeeit. What, um, well, OMS totally means this is the opportune time to Google, "Ohno? Ohyes!" and see how many papers/sites used *that* headline.

See? It's all about media watchin' in these here parts.

And OMS only watched the Dancing with the Stars for research purposes. And because Julianne, who we thought was 24ish and haaaaaaaaaaawt, is smokin'.



(Photo by the AP).

BLAH BLAH BLAH

The case of the blahs struck quickly and without warning. It mainly had to do with the ol' man's favorite record store being closed at 8:30 on a Tuesday night, which is ideal record-shop hanging-outing time.

But like the song says, "I'm done bein' sullen all the time."

What song, you ask? Huh. Winner gets a beer on OMS.

Until then, OMS is goin' fishin', again. Time to recharge the ol' batteries.

The big day off decision

Huh. Dawson's at 9 or Caddyshack at 9:05. Hmmmm.

It's not that hard, really. Caddyshack it was. Always Caddyshack. And a nap. But make sure you wake up for the dockside scene with Lacey. One wouldn't want to miss that, now would one?

Thank you, Patrice

"People are feeling a new sense of entitlement to decency."

vs.

"It's when you ejaculate on her face, punch her in the eye and kick her in the shin and she walks around going ARRRRRRRGH like an angry pirate."

Can't we all just get along?

I've never been so angry in my life

So Opie and Anthony were suspended today by the XM.

I didn't realize America is now a Communist state.

The great Yes-No Diet of the summer of '07

So some of you (what, the Porch has like three readers at this point?) may have been reading the DVD Easter egg-like comments the ol' man leaves in these here parts. And you may have even gotten the sense that the ol' man is feeling rather, um, large these days.

No more.

OMS is proud to announce operation lose 15 pounds by Aug. 31. It's part of a bet with his 44-year-old uncle, who has miraculously dropped a ton, almost literally, by walking and doing incorrect-form curls at the gym.

So OMS will report the contents of the great Yes-No Diet later this week. In the meantime, more with the crunches and the push-ups and the taking the stairs and the running at least three times a week to start. So far, it's going swimmingly.

What? Go to the gym, you say?

OMS would, but there's bridge construction on the *one* road that gets him to the gym after work. Old Man Snap is a lot of things, but he's not about sitting in traffic for an hour when he could do similar cardio at home.

Wish him luck!

Things one shouldn't hear in the workplace

"Hey (OMS), there's a broad outside with no clothes on," said the somewhat flamboyant gentleman walking by. "But don't worry. I still love you."

So there was your hero, standing, shoulders back and manly, in the 15 items or less express line. With a jar of pomade in front of him.

And nothing else.

Hair product. Not milk. Nor toothpaste. Hair product.

Nine minutes in line waiting for the cashier to figure out how to ring up oats for the person two people in front of me. And then with the grabbing the hot chick behind me's eggs while ringing up the pomade, this clueless cashier.

"Oh, no," I said. "Just the hair product."

And then I smiled, meekly, and went about my business.

"Oh," hot chick said behind me. "You forgot this."

I'd left the pomade on the counter, neatly wrapped in a small paper bag. Lucky for me, I was grabbing the six-pack I'd already bought when I forgot said product.

If I didn't have the six-pack, I really might've just packed it in and given up for good.

U! S! A! U! S! A!

What's with the bandana? Back in the day, the Sheik was all, "IRAN... NUMBAHR ONE! RUSSIA NUMBAHR ONE! AMERICA HOCKPHTOOEY!"



(Note: turn the ol' volume down at work. Lots o' F bombs).

Ain't it funny how throwaway lines in stories sometimes sum up being a senseless fan of one of the worst teams in the history of sports

From Todd Zolecki's story this morning on the philly.com:

There's a chance Freddy Garcia might not be able to start tonight in Arizona after he bruised his left shin running into a maintenance cart during batting practice. If he can't start, (manager, still, Charlie) Manuel might have the bullpen make it for him.

How to cover one's ass but not really

Scene: A man and a woman chat briefly in an office cubicle. Hilarity doth ensues.

Woman: We had a fire drill this morning?

Man: Yup. 10:34-35-36 around then.

Woman: We did? I didn’t hear anything.

Man: Yeah. We had a fire drill, probably 10:35-36. Around then.

Woman: We did? I was in a meeting in the conference room.

Man: I’m surprised you didn’t hear anything.

Woman: You know what? I did hear something but I thought it was the coffee maker.

Man: Wow. Because the alarm is really loud and I’m surprised no one heard it.

Woman: We were behind closed doors. I thought it was her coffee maker. It was a faint beeping.

Man: And no one came out?

Woman: No. We were in our meeting until 11:30.

Man: Wow. Because I walked the floor to make sure everyone got out and I was in your area.

Woman: We were right in the conference room.

Man: Oh. Well I wasn’t near there. That was Christina. She was in charge of that area around the conference room. She must’ve not checked in on you.

Woman: Well we were in there.

Man: Isn’t that something.

END SCENE.

And now back to reading the fun inspirational sayings on the co-worker's cubicle walls

What OMS read: I am not the same since I saw the moon shine on the other end of the world.

What OMS heard while he read: I am not the same since I drank the moonshine on the other end of the world.