They really are a pain in the ass...

So we have these friends, Croc and Bear, who run the Rooney Sees Red Fan Club. They're puppets and really, really excited about this band. Like, way too excited. Like how we get excited about Scarlett? Yeah, multipy that by galaxies upon galaxies.

They're somewhat overbearing (hah!), but, well, you know. You can check them out on the MySpace if you are so inclined.

And now back to things overheard on "vacation"

In the car, Sunday: "(Common). (Fugees). (Loudon Wainwright III). (Peace). (Tranquility)."

In a bar, Monday night: "They have too many blacks there."

In a bar, Sunday night: "What's Old Bay seasonin'?"

In the woods, Monday: "(Rain). (Fog). (More rain. Fog. Etc.)."

In the car, Tuesday: "Jesus f*cking Christ asshole! WHO PULLS OUT IN FRONT OF (US) LIKE THAT?! Use your f*cking head douchebag!"

Ahh. Back to the grind, as they say.

And by "Wabbit," we mean "Buck"

Be back Tuesday with much hilarity about the squirrels and the hard-boiled eggs and the Schlitz and the bright orange fashion statements and all of these things.

Part deux!

So Brenda is all OUI PAREEEEEE OUI and Donna is all I miss home and how is my junk not falling out of this short ass skirt and Brandon is all could my belt be any tighter in this Beach Club uniform and Andrea is all hey deaf kid you're a person, too and hey deaf kid's mom, please understand that I'm not trying to butt in but you're deaf kid with special needs really is special and a person and I'll save him from you and Andrea is also hey! Wait! That's Nate Fisher and he's a *Republican* and I'm a card-carrying liberal but I'll fall for him and his mousse hair anyways and oh Andrea with the always falling for older men and Brandon is all don't go to Houston, Andrea, and Andrea is all no you didn I've been waiting for you for eh eh ehhhhhhver and you haven't been there and -- she actually says this -- what makes you think you're so damn irresistable, Brandon? and Dylan is all, oh, hey Kelly, what's up, and Kelly is all you in about two episodes big boy and Brenda is all Donna stop being a twat and man up and let's do as the French deux.

HAH! Get it? See what we just did there?

So Brandon is all sorry, Andrea, my bad, I'm just jealous because Nate Fisher will have a better career than me and get to bang hotter broads and deaf kid is all what? Andrea's leaving? and Andrea is all nah, I'll stay here and wait for Jesse and Kelly is all clock is ticking, bitches, I'm about to get my Dylan on any second.

Au Revoir, Bren

So Kelly is all BABY BABY BABY mom has a new BABY and I want to spend my whole summer with the BABY and then I'll f*ck Dylan when Brenda leaves for Paris but right now BABY, etc. and Brenda is all DYLAN YOUR HOUSE IS A MESS I HATE MY DAD YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PICK UP DINNER JUST HOLD ME and hey! Arsenio Hall's on so I'll laugh whenever he's talking ROOF ROOF ROOF YESSSSSSS! and Steve is all Brandon we can switch the twins we're dating and they'll never know and Brandon is all dick, I am a twin and Nat is all -- wait, everyone is ignoring Nat because it's summertime and f*ck the Peach Pit the Beach Club is the dope and Donna is all I don't want to go to Paris alone and Brenda is all why is everyone dumping on me and this is blackmail and wait, I get to go to Paris with Donna for free sh*t eff it,man, I'm in and Kelly is all BABY BABY BABY huh Brenda's in Paris and I kinda always wanted Dylan and I've got a good 15 years before I become the hottest piece of ass on the Dancing with the Stars so eff it Dylan come to MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY and Dylan is all that's right b*tches who wants some of *this*.

"It don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine"

Sometimes we forget how awesomely phenomenal certain songs are. And then we hear them. And then we remember. Yes, this is one of those songs. We were sort of sleeping this morning when it came on the ol' iTunes.

This? A good way to start the day.

Old Man Frat

So darned if we didn't find the ol' Brotherhood Manuel from *way* back in the day.

And oh with the overzelous highlighting, Pledge Boy Bitch.

MEN MUST WANT. Check.

A good vigorous handshake can be the difference between a successful first impression or a week one. Check.

The ideal brother: Accountability. Attitude. Experience. Personality. Punctuality. Sportsmanship. Check.

Our favorite? And yes, we actually highlighted it...

It is never OK to force yourself on a woman, even if:

1. She teases you.
2. Dresses provacatively or leads you on.
3. You've had sex with her before.
4. You've paid for her dinner or given her expensive gifts.
5. You think women enjoy being forced to have sex or want to be persuaded.
6. The woman is under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

Memo to our boy JZ: Don't be so freaking hard on yourself all the freaking time

And he was the *King*!

We have another confession to make

Who cries watching MADE on the MTVs? We don't know. It's just that the tomboy worked so hard to take care of her pink egg and become a lady. And then she toasted her big sister and oh our goodness it was just so nice to see someone make something better of themselves.

Why we love the ol' man, reason 902

We'd just finished a ramble about Dr. Weber on the Grey's and how he's come so far because back in the day, he was Brandon Walsh's boss at the Beach Club.

"Who's Brandon Walsh?" the ol' man's ol' man said.

HAH!

File this under things we're thankful for?*

*We think. We can't decide if we so totally dig this or we're just so totally numb to smut these days.

"I don't have a side. Their side is my side."

So if you're Larry King, don't you throw down? We can't decide which is worse, ol' codger Seinfeld pisser-offer or Dr. Save His Ass over there. Again, the word for all this crap is 2007, we believe.

Wednesday morning haiku!

Oh with the yawning
Goodbye days of weeknight beers
Only five last night?

When eavesdropping goes horribly wrong

Guy near bar: Why do you hang your underwear up?
Female companion: (Sh*t. We can't hear her).
GNB: I can understand that.
FC:
GNB: That's fine.
FC:
GNB: I would put it on the countertop.
FC:
GNB: So your sewing skills better be good, huh?
FC:
GNB: I SAID YOUR SEWIN' SKILLS MUST BE GOOD, HUH?

Can we cut the shit now? Seriously?

From the AP: Amadou Cisse had successfully defended his doctoral dissertation in chemistry and was just weeks away from receiving his degree from the University of Chicago.

Those accomplishments were cut short Monday when the 29-year-old graduate student from Senegal was shot to death — less than an hour after a university staff member was shot at while walking nearby and two female students were robbed at gunpoint, police said.

Blah blah blah guns don't kill blah blah blah people kill blah blah blah but enough already, no? Why are we killing our own constantly? Perpetually. Daily. UnGodly. There are good people in the world doing a world of good for good, yet motherfuckers be killing off the human race. We're sick and sad and apathetic and drunk and angry and hopeful and pissed off all at the same time.

We think there's a word for it. We think it's called "2007."

^*^$*&%$@&$*

You know how sometimes humans wake up on a *Tuesday* and think it's Saturday morning, and they can keep sleeping, and they don't have to get up, make coffee, shower, oh with the suit and tie, and go to work?

You know how sometimes that happens?

Sheeeeeeeeeeeit. Tuesday done snuck up on us today.

Something about a triple-double last week

And that don't do it for ya, well, nothin' will. 'Cept this:



We just giggled for like 17 seconds straight. See, because Nate Dogg gets more, well, you get the joke, right?

Hey! That's our boy JZ! Inverted!

Don't ask! The videographer was drunk on the pineapple juice!



And let's ignore the momentary lapse of reason!



Be gentle! He's just getting started!*

*We know. Lots of exclamation points equate to awkward sheepishness and he's still shy but not really and everyone starts somewhere and oh with the sweating but we'll all laugh at this at the CMT Music Awards in 2012!

Fun with Groupies

So our boy JZ reports that he was explicitly hit on by a 47-year-old divorcee through her equally-47-year-old-divorcee friend after a recent gig.

"You should join us at the bar," she arm-touchingly told him.

He immediately panicked and oh with the waving of the arms and the stammering and the lying on the fly.

"Um. Sure. But I need to entertain my friends for a bit and then I'll see," he reportedly said, before absolutely avoiding the bar for the next eight minutes, until they left.

And then he told us he felt bad. Poor fella.

More fun at the supermarket!

Cougars-in-heat Extra: Give me a pound of bologna.
OMS: (Mutters) Please.
CIHE: And give me a pound of provolone.
OMS: (Again with the muttering) Please.
Counter Guy: Pound of what?
CIHE: Provolone.
CG: Is that a cheese?
CIHE: (Looks at OMS, rolls eyes) Yes.
OMS: (Looks away, afraid of turning to stone).

Thank God for the Men's Health

Page 180 in this month's issue, right after a BJ piece on Jim from The Office: The wooly lemur's penis is barbed, like a harpoon.

Ten bucks says we dream we're a wooly lemur.

Oh with the checkout counter goodness

First, she engaged us in a li'l (hah!) dialogue about the Diet Red Bull.

Checkout Counter Girl: Do they taste different than the other ones?
OMS: The regular ones make (us) violent.
CCG: Really? Why they do that?
OMS: Don't know. Issues. But the sugar free ones are pretty good.
CCG: Aiiight. I'll have to try 'em.

Then, the little person who we almost trampled over in the paper towel aisle walked by.

CCG: (Laughs, loudly). Sh*t. I ain't never seen one of them in person. That's funny.

WE WON STATE! Um. Now, what?

So we're not happy with the Friday Night Lights. And we're so over the Grey's.

Now you think about what we just said. Appreciate what we just said.

Seriously? Seriously.

We'll ignore the Grey's for now, mainly because we haven't seen an episode all year and Meredith died but came back and Shondaland sucks and Burke is gaaaaayyyyy and Addie has her own show now on Wednesdays that no one watches but daggum she sure is hawt.

Plus, in the real world, we're too busy hooping on Thursday nights, pretending our knees don't hurt and we can still drain threes after eight minutes -- eight tiring, flat-shot minutes -- on the floor.

But we digress.

Since Season 3 of The Wire took more than two days to get to us from the Netflix, we've been watching Season 1, again, of Friday Night Lights. It's a season of true emotion and power, all wrapped around a small town and its unhealthy obsession with winning State.

But the characters are what do it in Season 1. Tyra is a hell-on-wheels bitch who feels empathy for the people who really need it. Street is the All-American quarterback who loses his legs and deals with the aftermath. Matt Saracen is one of the best underdog characters of all time. Anytime he touches the ball, we're -- yes, we'll admit this -- on the verge of tears. And Lance Landry is, in a word, us. But skinnier and more with the Christian Rock.

And oh with the pretty Layla.

But this year?

Oy. First, Lance Landry, geekbox hero, murders Tyra's rapist from Season 1. In the first episode. And the plot remains. Every. Friday. Night. Tyra looks like a freaking 24-year-old porn star (which we're so OK with) in every episode, yet she's a senior (?) in high school. Saracen is now banging a cheerleader and hooking up with his gram's caregiver, who happens to be Latina and sort of a maid, and Julie is, well, awful-lede aside, hot for teacher.

Ugh with this show, now. Last night, there wasn't even a game.

We realize many of you don't watch the show, and that's OK. But we're telling you: one season of it, the first, was from start to finish some of the more gripping TV you'll see from the networks.

But this year? The phrase JUMP THE SHARK has already jumped the shark, but this show, well, it's freaking Fonzie putting on his *sexy* short shorts.

Sad, are we, about this show.


Happy, are we, about the short shorts. *Who* wears this ridiculousness? *Fonzie* does.

We're not a fan of the jewelry.

A cat necklace? Seriously? Why is the poor li'l ocelot dangling like a trapeeze artist? And the way it dangles down toward her... wait. Hold up. Check that. Turns out we are a fan of the jewelry.

Yes. Yes we are. Very much so, thank you very much.

Nice work, Rachel Bilson. OMS loves him a li'l dirty dirty.

A word about the Date Unknown

Ridiculous? Hells yeah. Are we thinking about submitting? Huh. Maybe but not really*.

*HELLS YEAH (but not really)

Hah! Evidence! See? We told you we hunt!*

*OK. The actor who portrays us in real life "hunts." And by "hunts," we mean "sits in the woods, eating his cheese and crackers, wearing flourescent orange with a Hoss's hat and sometimes taking naps or talking to the squirrels."

Nothing says pathetic like leaving one's phone in the car for like three hours and then going out to get it only to realize that nobody has

called or even freaking texted.

Not that, um, this like happened to like us or, like, anything.

Pffft. As if. Whatevs.

So we're renewing our huntin' license today

And last night, we slowed to a crawl, hazards a-blazin', just to make sure the li'l mommy doe deer made it safely across the pitch black highway. What if the mommy deer has li'l baby deer who haven't even begun to live? Those hypothetical baby deer deserve a chance, damnit. Let them live! Careful mommy deer! Careful! Why aren't you looking both ways? Wait! Cars are coming! Look out! Mommy de-- whew. You made it.

Sheesh. Of all the freaking nerve.

Oh how we love discovering we're the one who doesn't have the *problem*.

Wow. That was fast.

Three posts past 1,000 and *back* to FUN WITH HOROSCOPES!

PISCES:Just because someone is out of sight doesn't mean they're out of your mind. A former coworker may reappear on the scene now, and they offer a missing link between you and several opportunities -- including greater wealth and hotter romance. Keep an eagle eye out for unfamiliar phone numbers or email address, because everything isn't as you assume it to be. Sometimes, relationships or other types of connections are circular -- and come back around to make things complete.

Wait. Who's going to do what now? And we gets cheese and hot b*tches? And we *knew* if we kept playing Eagle Eye Cherry, it would pay off. But why will he be emailing us?

There's only one d, really.

Main Entry: ad·age
Pronunciation: \ˈa-dij\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle French, from Latin adagium, from ad- + -agium (akin to aio I say); akin to Greek ē he said
Date: 1513
: a saying often in metaphorical form that embodies a common observation

So what if we looked that sh*t up. We did write it out first in our li'l notebook: "Adage," we wrote. "Addage." "F*ck." In that order. For the record, our evaporating gut said go with the one d. But y'all know how we feel about the double, well, nevermind.

We're so not retiring.

So we've thought long and hard about this.

OK. We thought about it for a week. We mulled walking away and stopping the goodness. We read two years worth of hilarity, and we wondered, frequently, if we've lost a step. Kids these days have better blogs. They're using the twitters.

They're listening to their muzak on their mobile cellular telephones. They don't have time for random riffs about rain runs and directions and moving to Canadia and "HEY! We were fat!" and all of these things.

But then we thought of you.

You, our loyal three readers, have supported us throughout it all. Yes, through 1,000 posts of pure unadulterated comical goodness. Sure, not so much with the comments, but you've made it worth it. And we thank you for this. (Plus, if we don't blog, we slowly start losing our minds. Daily).

So the Porch and the Parking Lot is not going away anytime soon. We're now back to our regularly scheduled programming. More fun links. New hip layout. A subscriber feed! Use the feedburner, y'all. God will like you more if you do.

So we're here for you!*

* Newbies, see to the right about the exclamation points. You'll get us, eventually.

High, Eagles, High

So this morning's troublesome local story is brought to you by the family Reid.

Oof.

(Yesterday's troublesome non-local story that we didn't post was all about the Hooters waitress who left her 1-year-old in the car while she worked it at work. Awesome, this world we livin' in).