RED Means GO!

We can't become a Met fan outright because they're the best team in the National League, and while we love our old school Met hat, we can't very well switch teams mid-season and root for the best team in the National League. Plus, Matt might launch his hookah at us.

We can't start rooting for the Sox again because then we become one of those new Red Sox fans, post-2004, who claimed all along we were right there with them and Aaron Boone can still eat a wicked pissah d*ck.

We can't root for the Yankees, all of them, because we hate, well, most of them. The only one we really love is Jeter, and then the OMS-gay rumors start again.

So we're still contemplating what to do about the Phillies.

For anyone who cares not one bit about Philadelphia's worst franchise (and that's saying a lot), the Phillies allowed their "star" pitcher to pitch against the Sox last Saturday, a little more than 24 hours after he *allegedly* dragged his petite wife by the hair and *allegedly* punched her twice in the face.

With a closed fist punch.

His wife Kim *allegedly* yelled, "I'm not going to let you do this anymore." She opted against pressing charges, yet the *alleged* witnesses, and there were many, made it so the police had to prosecute.

And the Phillies just had to start Myers the next day. Myers, who said he was "sorry this went public" or something to that effect, was, in a word, decked by the Sox in five innings. Yay karma.

The team botched their handling until Monday, when Myers issued a statement saying he was disputing the facts as *alleged*:

On the day of my arrest, I consulted with my attorney by phone, who advised me to make no comments about this matter. While I followed his advice at the time, I have felt the need to make some comments about this situation and I do so now.

First, while I dispute that the facts are as alleged, I recognize that my behavior was inappropriate and for that I apologize.

Second, I recognize that the incident created an embarrassing situation for many people, including my wife and family, my teammates, the Phillies organization, and fans, and I am very sorry for that.

Third, my wife and children are very important to me and I am willing to do whatever is necessary to address any problems that might harm our marriage. I have asked the Phillies for some time off so that I can concentrate on this matter and make plans for whatever assistance is appropriate.

At this time, I do not intend to make any further public comments about this matter.

So maybe we'll start rooting for the Tigers because our favorite hat is the Tigers hat we bought in 1999 when it was blue, and now it's nice and tan and faded and funkdified. But the Tigers have one of the best teams in baseball right now, managed by the guy the Phillies had a chance to sign before the 2005 season, Jim Leyland.

So we can't very well jump aboard that bandwagon, either.

So right now it's between the Orioles, Nationals, Trenton Thunder, Hudson Valley Renegades and Tupelo Strawberries and Cream.

Like the Phillies, we figure we'll sit on this decision for a few days and then make up our mind. Afterall, this gives us the best opportunity to win. Battered wives be damned.

Our head hurts.