Lesson Learned

"Oh no," she said, "you can't make your students do things like clean the chalkboard or sweep the floor in your classroom."

For the record, we then made a hammer joke that may or may not have invoked the word, "Dad." Man these kids these days with their cannot be punished for any reason.

Rant? No. But we are very close to raising a generation of big moist, well, you get it.

And now back to things we would have said at the roast if not for the overwhelming feeling that *we'd* be the one who bombs.

To the host: "Hey, here's a napkin. You have the flop sweat on your brow."

What. Nothin'?

No seriously. We would've probably said, "What. Nothin'?"

To the bachelor: "Thanks so much for unasking (us) to sing at your wedding."

To the bachelor, again: "Sorry. What. Too soon?"

To the room: "Wow. So *this* is what a NAMBLA conference is like."

And that's what it's like to be Old Man Snap. Weeks to prepare material. Don't prepare material. Choke by over-laughing at the roast to make up for said lack of material. Beat self up about not bringing the funny material.

Think of good material. The next morning. Tell it on the drive home alone and laugh hysterically. Repeat. Then blog about it three days later because you're still thinking about it.

Yay! Issues!

Again with the dreams...

Nevermind that we woke up this morning, nine-plus hours later and very, very refreshed, with this song in our head.

And nevermind that we had a nightmare about being pulled from a softball game in the first inning because we were misplaying *everything* hit to us.

We're sure they're not even remotely connected.

And again with the freaking low disk space. All we're doing is "streaming" Heart videos on the Interwebs.

Where we'll be on Aug. 7

From the Star-Ledger: Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder is embarking on a rare solo tour next month, and he is coming to Newark.

He will appear at the New Jersey Performing Arts Center on Aug. 7.

Tickets, $65 to $75, go on sale at 1 p.m. July 11. Call (888) 466-5722 or visit njpac.org.

Vedder will also perform at the United Palace theater in New York, on Aug. 4-5. Tickets, $75, also go on sale at 1 p.m. July 11. Call (201) 507-8900 or visit ticketmaster.com.

Liam Finn will open the shows. For pre-sale information, visit pearljam.com.

Vedder released his first solo album, the soundtrack for the movie "Into the Wild," in September, and toured as a solo artist for the first time in April, on the West Coast. His upcoming tour runs from Aug. 1, in Boston, to Aug. 22, in Chicago.

And then we were inspired...

We think it's hysterical that on one softball team -- yes, we said *soft* *ball* -- we get lambasted with talk of having the gay because, well, we're unique. Yet then tonight, when on a different team, one of the guys went around the dugout and tried to get all up in everyone else's bizznatch with the ass-smacking and the saying to relax, no one said a word. Huh.

Go for anal in the dugout and one isn't accused of having the gay. But be a li'l flamboyant and always matching the high socks with the Phillies cap, and one is. Interesting. Frankly, it's a compliment anyway. Right?

Speaking of all up in everyone else's bizznatch and not having the gay, here's Audrina!