Dear Lindsay,

Oh our goodness how we loved you in the Mean Girls and haven't seen one of your bombs since then -- well, we've seen your bombs but not the cinema kind we're talkin' about wink wink nudge nudge hahahahaahaa -- anywhores, we're so gonna BandT (hah! We're killin'! Where's Katz to comment when you need him?) to what we like to call the Alphabet Village in Greenwich Lower City tonight and hey, we figured since you and Lane aren't going steady anymore, want to meet up? We'll be the handsomely old but not really lad rockin' the pink and black tie. Holla girl. Seriously. How could you not want *this*? The tie that makes us an honorary Hart Foundation member and we're totally wearing too much Old Spice deodorant! Chicks love the Old Spice almost as much as they love the Old Man Snap!

Love,
OMS

Yes, we're a suck up.

Vince McMahon, in our dream, walking toward the basketball courts: And that's why our policy is what it is. No one issues comments to anyone but me. I'm the source. No one else is allowed to give public statements unless they clear it with me.

OMS, walking briskly next to Vince McMahon: Agreed, sir. It's the perfect media plan. Let (us) just say (we've) been doing this for a long time now and your media policy is spot-on. And if you need a spokesman, (we're) your guy.

Oh that Screech

So Zach is all wow, chick that will be on King of Queens, you'll be hot and a total MILF in 10 years and Kelly is all Jesus I can't wait to have boobs and a pot problem on the 90210 and Screech is all I have a metal detactor and oh the hijinx and Lisa Turtle is all damn I'm fine and way they gotta pair me up with Screech and Kelly is all seriously, can't I take these shorts off? I shaved and Zach is all not now Kapowski I'm about to get my Doug Heffernan on.

Not as fun as 90210, we know.

OK. The Tara Reid line was a hoot.

"I'll suck your c*ck for a $1,000," is a pretty good line, we'll give you that.

But the other 45 minutes and 18 seconds? We just. Kept. Waiting. For. Something. To. Happen.

But enough about the Dude (get it? Because he's a middle-aged stoner who doesn't give a f*ck) and the others.

The thing about the Big Lebowski

Twice we've tried to watch this cult "classic" over the last week. The first time, we made it about two minutes in. Tonight, we made it 46.

Um. The movie, in a word, sucks.