Have a holly, jolly Christ-- HOLD UP.

So Rudolph is all hey I'm cute uh oh my nose is kaflooey and Donner is all how the f*ck did this happen, Mrs. Donner, and how the f*ck you been wit bitch and Mrs. Donner is all dunno and Donner is all this can't be and here, put some black on that and people will accept you more and Rudolph is all aiiight let's go do this jump thing and but my node sound like ith duffy and the cute li'l Bambi chick is all hey now that's a fine black nose you have there and good ol' Rudy is all YAAAAYYYYEEEE WATCH ME GET MY JUMP ON and then oh with the coal coming off the nose exposing him for the fraud that he is and oh with Bambi's dad with the whole you can't date that kind thing and Rudolph with the screw you guys I'm goin' home.

But Rudolph can't go home because Donner is a one pissed off raindeer so Rudy is all I'm out hey who's this twinky lookin' fella and the twinky li'l fella is all I'm Hermie I want to be a dentist and Rudy is all hey you sure you don't have the gay and Hermie is all no, why would you say that? and then with the abominable snowman and Yukon Cornelius and blah blah blah land of misfits blah blah blah Hermie's so gay blah blah blah the racial undertones are striking blah blah blah.

And then Rudy with the whole save Christmas thing.

The End.

There's got to be a plausible explanation

So in our dream, we're on stage.

(Surprised? Huh. Didn't think so).

But hah! We're not us. We're actually standing in for Boy George. See, he couldn't make the gig, so Old Man Snap donned the Boy George garb and, yes, opened his set with "I'll Tumble for Ya."

OMS then convinced the stage manager and producer to let him play an original song on the geetar as a "new Boy George single." Since the only Boy George music they had was "I'll Tumble for Ya," OMS also asked the sound guy to go to the local record shop to get Culture Club's Greatest Hits CD and then he rounded up the kids in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles outfits to perform an extended number about pizza.

Sound guy came back with the CD just as the pizza bit ended and, voila, Old Boy George continued with his brilliant impression. With a standing O and calls for an encore, even.

Never fear, readers. We shall analyze herein henceforth to wit:

1. We busted out our Cartman voice last night on the phone with the baby sis.
2. We were thinking about The Rock yesterday, and how he really was a nobody and then he turned the volume up, became The Rock, and then became a movie star.
3. We love our local record store.
4. We do like to play originals on the stage.
5. We have no f*cking clue why with the Boy George. None.
6. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? WTF, indeed.

So to recap, the equation is thus as best we can decipher:

(Impressions) + (Volume on 11) + (Records) + (Audience Adoration) = Um, Boy George

Sh*t.

File this under things you can't really say

See? Supermarkets...

Woman in line at deli counter: I could kill him.
Other woman in line at deli counter: Who?
Woman, still in line at deli counter, not even ordering: That fat shlubby principal. He's awful.
Other woman, equally not ordering and certainly blocking the entire aisle with both her shopping cart and her conspiracy to commit murder: Yeah. He needs to go.
Man: Excuse me. Can I get through here?
OMS: *Sigh*

When Larry Met, Um, Um, Well, Harry?

What. Nothin'?

Look, Larry. Baby. Just embrace it. At this point, it's more than somewhat ridiculous, no? Start a band. You know what the name should be. Make millions. Be happy. Be yourself. Isn't that what life is all about, this being one's self and being happy?

A User Friendly Guide to All Things OMS

Because none of you asked, here is a quick, friendly and helpful User Friendly Guide to All Things Old Man Snap. Why? "I checked it out once, but it was hard to follow," a good friend said last night. "Is that what all blogs are supposed to be?"

Nope. Just this one. Think of it as a window to our quirky, yet brilliantly comedic, brain. Right? Right.

Right, then.

1. We write in the first person plural. Yay for anonymity!

2. Sometimes, we write about running in the rain. Other times, we write about raining in our head. Sometimes, no rain. Sometimes, every once in a great while, sunshine. Sometimes we don't even use verbs.

3. We write weekly Saturday morning Beverly Hills, 90210 recaps. This might be our favorite part of the job. Example? Oh Kelly with the we can't tell Bren, Dylan and what are we doing and Dylan with the yeah, the baby is awesome and Bren with the Dylan how do you know the baby and Dylan with the oh, well I babysat with Kelly once and you know how it is Bren and Bren is all I don't know how it is, Dylan, why don't you tell me and PS I have nothing to share with you about the whole faking the ridiculous French accent thing while going down on Superman in Paris.

4. We often write about our horoscope. This is what's known in the vernacular as "filler."

5. Oh with the fat kid stories.

6. And oh with the ohs. We love the ohs and the sos and the run-on sentences, mainly because we know what run-on sentences are and it's part of the overall subtle commentary of the blog itself.

7. Sometimes we write in riddles even we don't understand.

8. Often, we write with the iTunes on shuffle. Sometimes we kick sweet dance moves while typing. Example? Gorillaz are on right now. We're so doing the the sprinkler.

9. Yes, ACG, we were in a frat once. But hey! Do you call your country a -- well, nevermind. Most days, we deny being in one, let alone running it as an underclassman. Yay for future political aspirations!

10. Every few days or so, we'll post a picture of Scarlett or Lindsay or even Julianne Hough, that hussy from the Dancing with the Stars. Julianne, call us. Or at least please return our MySpace messages. We have sweet dance moves to show you. See 8.

11. Want to hear a funny joke? Always with the deli counter stories. Some of the best bits we have are based on cheese. Um. Huh. Both literally and figuratively.

12. Ew. We hate Pearl Jam's version of Last Kiss. Next.

13. Ah. Mayer with the I Don't Trust Myself with Loving You. Much better.

14. Oh with the issue-laden tidbits.

15. So we sometimes blog about politics, pop culture and breakfast. Oh with the putting the milk in the cupboard and the Honey Nut Cheerios in the fridge and all of these things.

16. Someday, we'll be famous for being the brilliant coffee-filled blogger we are. Until then, we're content with the 90210 recaps and every once in awhile a riff about the Vince McMahon dreams/nightmares.

17. One day, we'll reveal our identity. In the meantime, feel free to friend Rooney Sees Red on the MySpace. Those freaking guys rule.

See? Guide. Keep reading, y'all. It'll only get better. Or something.