And now back to perhaps things one shouldn't say when one is being set up on a blind date by one's teammate's girlfriend

She approached us, nicely and a bit reserved, and asked us if we were single.

"Depends," we said. "But, yeah. Why?"

She has a friend who's perfect for us, she said. She's our age, would think we were funny, deserves someone nice, etc. So can she get our phone number to pass it along?

"Sure, but, well, (we're) not really a relationship-type person," we said.

Oh, she said.

"Dating's fine though," we said. "But should we lie about the relationship thing?"

No, she said, I guess not.

HOLY CRAP

All we want to do is go get our laundry, fold it, return safely to the ol' apartment, and go to bed.

But oh our goodness with this vicious lightning that has us cornered. Christ. It's everywhere. We know not when we shall get our clothes, so long as this lethal lightning lingers.

No need to get all struck up by it, you know?

What would you do?

So about three months ago, a sweaty, beefy fella in a suit with his shirt untucked approached us in our parking lot and asked us for a ride to the train station. His car, a brand-newish Honda Accord, wouldn't start, and he was running late.

So ever-the-good-samaritan, Old Man Sucker gave the poor guy a lift. He said he'd give us his card and that we were his guardian angel. He said he'd see us around the neighborhood. We practically sped off, because frankly, clingy neighbors make us nervous.

This morning, we turned the ignition and promptly put on The Goonies theme song in order to start our morning commute as pleasantly as possible. And no, we don't whisper, "You're not Chunk, You're not Chunk" over and over again.

Sweaty beefy guy appeared out of nowhere with the same spiel as last time.

Car wouldn't start... need a ride to train station... sweating... suit pants and oversized polo... sweating... stammering a bit... coke problem? nah... drinking problem? Probably... do we help? Huh... still with the car not starting and the sweating at 7:30 in the morning...

"(We) took you to the train station before, remember?" we asked.

"You did?" he asked. HAH! We were now very skeptical of this same spiel.

"Sorry. (We're) going the opposite way," we said.

Now. We feel bad for the guy, but we also had the thought last time that he had either left his bomb-laden briefcase in our backseat or was setting us up for future muggings. We could so take him, but still. Does he have a gun? A knife? Is he a raving lunatic?

And, like three weeks ago, he left his car windows down completely overnight, and parked pretty much drunkenly in the lot. We don't trust this man.

But then we saw him huffing it to the train station a few minutes later -- this, after we back-tracked and cruised, happily and with air conditioning, to the local bagel joint, Cyndi Lauper a-blarin'.

Sorry, Sweatybeefyman. Maybe you aren't a serial killer. Our bad.

Li'l Booking, Big Oopsie

Matt Roloff, pictured above, patriarch of Roloff family on the Li'l People, Big World on the TLC, and busted for DUI this week: Amy, I told you this before. People make mistakes and how can our children learn from ours if we don't make mistakes? It's like when I was building the House of Hubcaps in the back yard in 1989 --

Amy, wife of Matt, loving mother of four: And you realized you didn't have any hubcaps to build the house with? JACOB. Put that down.

Matt: Yes. I realized we didn't have any hubcaps so I stopped building. This is what my DUI arrest is. I realized I need to stop building Houses of Hubcaps in my own life and that our children can learn from that. When I was born a little per--

Amy: Oh, Christ. Again with the little person birth thing. Matt. I was born one, too, and you don't see me harping on it perpetual-- JACOB. I said no peanut butter before dinner!

Matt: If he wants to have peanut butter, he should have peanut butter. If I want a beer, then damnit, I should have a beer. If you want to climb the shelves at the supermarket like I know you do because I've seen it a thousand times on the opening montage, then you should do that and learn from your mistakes. These are the decisions I feel our children should be able to make, learn from, and make the world a better, place.

Amy: I so wish I could smack you upside your head, but these cameras make it really, really hard to whup up on you, Clubber Lang-style.

Last night, we dreamt of San Pedro

The only real question, then, is why the f*ck is Old Man Snap, a man's man, a real man, a kiss-stealin', wheelin'-dealin', jet-flyin', limosine-ridin' WOOOOOO son of a gun Nature Boy Ric Flair-type man waking up with freaking LA ISLA BONITA in his manly head?

Jesus. We need to get a hold of ourselves.